Complicated People, Complicated Love

Belt

Maya

I flop down on my bed, face down and scream into my mattress. What's wrong with me? I couldn't tell Lucas that my dad came back, he'd just want to help me again, and that's not fair to him. And besides, his parents are back now and I don't want them to think of me as a leech or something. I sit up and lean my back against my pillows and lay my head back to look at the ceiling, a tightness that I fight back starting in my throat.

I hear Riley's voice outside. I turn my head and look down at the dim lit street from my window. I see Lucas talking up to her. His hands are in his pockets, his hair a perfect swoosh. I retreat my head before I'm spotted. Why did he have to come here asking questions. Why do I have to be so defensive?

"He came back yesterday," I hear Riley say. I stiffen. Did she just tell Lucas that my dad's back? She did. Not that Riley knew any better, but now Lucas is going to be even more mad than he already is. I look out again and see Lucas with a confused look on his face and then he looks to my window. I pull back quickly, sitting with my back to the wall under the window.

I lift up my shirt to look at the side of my ribs, and see that the bruise has grown even more purple than it was last night. I close my eyes, scared at the memory of the leather belt. I take a shuddering breath and lower my shirt. I should be used to it by now, it's not like it's a new thing. I've heard that the things that scared you as a kid stick with you into adulthood. It's just pain, I don't like it but I should be fine with it. Why does it have to scare me so much?

I shouldn't be mad at Lucas for being a good person, and I'm not. I'm not mad at him at all actually. I just got defensive. I bite back another groan. He's gonna hate me now isn't he? I want him to come back. I want to start over. But I can't ask that of him, I just can't.

The noise of Riley's window closing reaches me, and I know that Lucas is gone now. I sigh. I didn't want him to leave, I wanted him to take me with him, far away from this horrid apartment and the horrid man in it. I'm ashamed to think it, to want a boy to save me, but he's not just a boy, he's Lucas.

I touch the bruise through my shirt and wince at the pain. Who knew something so small and thin invented to hold up your freakin pants could hurt so much?

Something cold moves on my cheek and I flinch. I slowly raise my hand to it only to feel wetness. It's a tear. Great. Before I know it, there are more, like I'm leaking. I'm not crying, not exactly, the tears just keep coming and my chest is shuddering. Make it stop! But I can't stop the small, silent sobs as they get stronger. I try my hardest not to make noise, scared of what will happen to me. I turn off my light and sit on my bed with my head in my hands, hunched over my legs. I like to think that I have a good handle on my emotions most of the time, so this episode is disorienting.

I'm crying about so many things it's hard to keep track. My dad being back, the belt hitting me, the fact that I think I like my best friends crush, the fact that he doesn't like me, the fact that I want him to like me at all, my small apartment, being hungry all the time, seeing everyone happy but me, and most of all I'm angry at me.

I can't let anyone in, I try but my stubbornness won't let me. I want to call Lucas or Riley and ask them to let me stay with them. I want to open up. I'm just scared.