Complicated People, Complicated Love

It's Okay Now

Maya

       I thought that today would be awkward, but it actually isn't, it feels like when I stayed here last time, we joke and laugh, and just enjoy being around each other. It helps that Lucas hasn't brought up yesterday. I remember everything from last night. I wish I didn't, maybe then it would be easier to be around him, I wouldn't know what he knows.

      I didn't even know how I felt about him until last night, or if I did, I refused to accept it. Because what I felt last night went way further than just one night of feelings. I cried how Riley called dibs. I remember the day we saw Lucas for the first time. I thought he was the best looking boy I'd ever seen. And then I teased him and he took it and I fell. When he told me how he felt, it was the happiest moment I have ever experienced. But it also scared me. More than I would have expected. My happiness then turned to sadness when I realized I couldn't be with him, not if I didn't want to risk my friendship with Riley. Which I don't. Even if he didn't like her, she liked him. In her mind, he was hers.

     I changed at school into clothes from my locker, wanting to get out of the stupid frilly dress Riley had talked me into wearing. I was going to go home, but as I was, I walked by a party, and I just couldn't resist the chance to maybe forget what had happened and what I couldn't have, even if just for a night. It worked too, that is until Lucas came. I was so happy to see him, I remember the feeling I got when I saw him, I haven't ever felt anything so strong and uplifting. Like everything would be okay as long as he was there.

     "You okay?" I look up and realize that I had spaced out. Lucas looks at me from the next cushion over on the couch.

      "Totally," I give him a reassuring smile and place my legs across his lap like we used to. Soon though, the touch of his hands on my calfs weren't just "like old times" they made me feel more drawn towards him, a feeling in my chest like a rope tugging me towards him. I pull my legs up to my chest quickly, he jumps, surprised and turns his head away from the tv and to me. Clearly he didn't realize the effect he has on me.

      "You sure you're okay?" He asks again. I have an urge to just hold him, so strong it hurts to resist. But he can't be mine. And j can't lead him on.

     I nod in answer and tear my eyes from his, watching basketball on the tv.

     "So, we ever going to talk about last night?" He asks. I freeze. So much for not bringing it up.

     "Maya, what were you thinking? Getting drunk? You're 16!"

     "What was I thinking?" I yell defensively. "What were you thinking!? You can't just suddenly tell a girl you like her! Do you know how much that messed with my head?!" I was deflecting. I knew it and he knew it, but he wasn't going to let me off the hook. I'd done a stupid thing, I deserved to be told off.

     "I'm sorry, but I wasn't going to hide from the truth, and I wasn't going to hide it from you. I like you Maya, getting drunk won't change that."

     I get up, furious. "The nerve you have!" I'm still yelling. "You have to stop! What about Riley, you can't do this to her! I can't do this to her!" I put my hands to my head, trying to breathe, no way I'm having one of my headaches right now.

      "I feel bad about Riley too," he says. "But I can't help who I like Maya,"

     "I should go," I say. "I thought that this could be like before, but apparently not." I turn to the stairs, Lucas is calling after me but I don't care. I get the clothes that I left here quickly from his room and go back downstairs. Lucas has his arms crossed and is pacing in front of the door.

       "Please don't," he says when I try to pass him. "Even before, I liked you, I didn't know it then, but I do now,"

       "Move," I say coldly, ignoring the beating in my chest. What he's saying sounds so similar to my feelings. I can't look at him.

       "Fine, but only if you tell me one thing." I wait for him to ask, and when he doesn't I raise my eyebrows, annoyed.

      "Why do you like me?" He asks. I stand there, awkwardly. I take a deep breath before answering. If I say it quick I can leave quicker.

     "You're a good guy," I say. It's the shortest answer I could thing of. I want to get out of here. Lucas steps aside from the door, leaving a clear path for me. I take a step towards it.

      "You know why I like you?" I want to leave, but I can't resist wanting to hear this.

        "Not only are you beautiful, but you're smart Maya, I know you don't believe it but it's true. You're kind, even though you try to hide it. You pretend like you don't have emotions, but you are the most caring person I have ever met in all my life. The way you protect Riley and her family is inspirational. You're funny, even when you don't try. You're not afraid to laugh at yourself. I like you, because you're Maya." I hold up a hand to stop him.

     He's unfolded his arms now, and he's a foot away. I've never heard anyone talk this way before, especially not about me. He takes my face in his hands and I let him. My hand now pressed against his chest. I'm breathing fast. I don't know what's happening.

        The kiss is quick, like a shot. You feel the full impact of it even though the needle is in and out of you in less time than it takes to walk two feet. Unlike a shot though, the kiss is enjoyable.

       When he pulls away, he steps back too, as if he's afraid I'll slap him or something. I look down as soon as he lets go of me. From what I can see, he doesn't look afraid, he looks almost embarrassed.

       "You shouldn't have done that," I say, my voice coming out like a croak. I'm looking at him now.

       "But I wanted to." He says it simply, as if he's stating the weather. I'm gonna regret this. I know it but I can't seem to help myself. I've denied myself so many things in life for one reason or another. But I've never wanted anything this much. Just for today, maybe I can have something for myself. Maybe I can hope. I spring forward, dropping my clothes and wrapping my arms around his neck. My lips are on his instantly. I didn't think that "the fireworks" was a real thing, but the moment my lips touch his, I feel a burst of energy in my heart, my very core. I can't help but squeeze my arms tighter, pulling him closer.

       His hands wrap around my waist, and I can't feel the bruises anymore, I can only feel his strong hands around me. His touch is healing. It's healing every part of me.

       Right now, It doesn't matter that I have an abusive father, it doesn't matter that I can hardly ever see my mother because if her work schedule, it doesn't matter that my life sucks, all that matters is that in this moment, everything is okay, my life doesn't suck anymore.

       His lips move against mine, a slow slide with enough force to express the want we're both feeling. Because, God, do I want him so bad. A small whimpering moan slips out of me when his tongue meets mine. His hands grasp me tighter at the noise, pulling me impossibly closer. I can bear to take my arms away from his neck, even if it's just to rearrange myself, I can't let go. I move my arm slightly so I can fist his hair in one hand as I continue to attack his mouth. My feet are barely touching the floor now, Lucas is basically carrying me, bending me back as he kisses me back just as ferociously.

       I never knew that it could feel like this. That anything could feel like this. I need him to hold me tighter. It's impossible but I just need to be as close to him as possible. He is becoming my light. And I need light so bad right now.