The Evil Rant And Review Book

Black Vein

Author:@icytundra21

Genre: Fantasy

No. of chapter read: 3

First Impression: Um, what, this is a fantasy? For some reason that knocked me over.

Cover: Um, is this fantasy? That guy looks so sad and emo and pissy... Are you sure it's not another rejected gay guy teen fiction? No? Like really sure?

Cover rating: it looks like rejected gay guy teen fiction.

Blurb: The fuck's a PPT? Oh, wait, that's an excerpt, not the actual blurb. Reading on, reading on... Oh, so the story is about some sort of weapon. Is the weapon a black vein? And why don't I care at all? Oh, it must be because the blurb is about a fictional country and not an actual person. That's why I don't care.

Blurb rating: I have trouble identifying with a whole country, so I don't give two shits

Let's get it on!

Second impression: wow, this book has elves. And apparently a lot of inept guards.

Actual review (drum roll please):

Language: is pretty good. I can't say I spotted glaring mistakes or anything that could pull me out of the story. But I will complain about the clunky, repetitive sentence structure. Yes, I get it, Marcus is a damn badass, the ruler of a million or so armies. Whoopee, good for him! <- notice the crass exaggeration.

Also... All, that telling... And all that backstory before I actually give a damn about the backstory.

Also again... Oh, that omniscient narrator... I'm so not used to this shit anymore. My bad.

Language rating: I get it!

Plot:

You see, there's this two countries that are at war and... zzzzzz. Wake me up when something happens. Oh, look, a character! Ah, 'tis Marcus, badass elf and leader of a gazillion armies. His guards are a bunch of idiots. One even tries to kill him. Dick move, Joshua, dick move.

Ah, apparently this weapon is a cursed guy. That's interesting. And he gives zero fucks about stuff, just like me. I think we have something in common. I already like him. Except Marcus keeps kicking him and now I want to kick Marcus.

Ah, and there's that PPT. Let's see how this potentially destructive idea will work. Because if I had a weapon in the form of a teenager who can blast people to death when he's mildly annoyed, I'd send him off inside my own country to see how powerful he is when he gets really pissed, too. Yup, no fear of him blowing a freaking crater in the middle of the country, not at all...

Ah, and those horses... so handsome! And oh, my God, does Ruben sleep. Though his sleeping sorta turns funny at some point. I wish I could fall asleep like that during meetings.

Plot rating: This actually seems pretty fun.

Characters:

Marcus: is an annoying, pompous fuck. Really now, I get that you're the commander of a teraflop of armies, but you're not the smartest or most skilled person in the room.

Ruben: uuh, look at the pretty flowers. He gives zero fucks. I like him.Though, sheesh, how much can a man sleep without becoming bored with sleeping? He's been apparently doing it for two months...

Guards: are a bunch of highly trained morons.

Joshua: Learn to say your name, dude. And maybe stop trying to kill your boss.

The horses: So majestic!

Shiny bald head man: apparently has a shiny bald head and thinks of himself as shiny bald head man. And talks to people who appear to be asleep.

Character rating: Is it wrong that I find them funny?

Why I stopped reading: It's been a long while since I read something omniscient and it's a little confusing to me. Plus, the first two chapters simply didn't convince me. The third was a bit better and the only reason the story gets a...

Grade: Pass. Though it's not really my thing, there are no glaring mistakes and the plot shows some promise. I'm just a character type reader and I can't say I felt invested in any characters. Congrats, you may put the [I survived the most BRUTAL review] thingie to your blurb. 

Enjoy the masterful music.