The Evil Rant And Review Book

Revived

Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated, review in progress. *sharpens horns*. This is going to be good.

Author: Cross-Warrior

Genre: Teen Fiction

No. chapters read: 5 but only because it was a challenge

First impression: Holy shit, look at the size of this thing!

Cover: It's not a cover. It's grainy picture of a sad girl in the rain. It neither has title nor author, though I can't really blame you for that one. I wouldn't put my name on this either. Would I like it if it had words on it? No. It's terrible quality and it makes me think of emo children, so I'd skip this book faster than I skip my therapy sessions.

I'm sure that if you ever consider actually turning this story into something readable, you'll get a proper cover.

Cover rating: this story deserves no cover

Blurb: Ah, and so it starts with a warning. You wrote this when you were thirteen and you haven't edited squat. I'm already running for the hills, but looking over my shoulder curiously as I do it.

The blurb is pathetic in content not form or grammar. I already see I'm going to dislike Kat and her whole weird bunch of friends. Just like the story, it's too filled with partially useless details (like the name of her hometown. Don't need that there). Also, I'm actually too lazy to read it more than once and I kinda forgot what else it says, except...

Kat is a normal teenager. Um, no, she's not. She freaking hears voices. How's that normal? So yeah, you're lying to me from the get-go. Or, actually seeing how cool Kat is about the whole voices thing, maybe she thinks that's normal.

Anyway, even if the blurb is short, it feels very long.

Blurb rating: waving at you from the top of the hill

Let's get it on!

Second impression: So. Many. Words *drowns in words*

Actual review *drum roll please*:

Language/Writing:

Okay, here's the thing. Your writing at thirteen resembles my writing at thirteen except my spelling was much worse. But I recognize a lot of the problems I had before I learned how to write properly.

The grammar isn't bad and neither is the use of punctuation. English is you're first language and you're not an analphabet. Does that word even exist in English? Anyway, all your sins revolve around style.

You can skip time, you know? You don't have to give us what Kat does every moment of every day. Description is cool, but not if you describe every little thing. I actually giggled at how you describe what everyone is wearing.

You do the show-tell thing hilariously. First you show, and then you tell us again, just in case we're too dumb to pick it up the first time.

Your chapters are insanely long and filled with so many useless words. Your first chapter has 24 Wattpad pages. I could probably edit it to five.

Is your writing horrendous? No, I've seen worse. Is your writing good? God, no! Lol, did you actually think I'd praise it? It's obviously been written by a thirteen year old who hasn't been on Wattpad and has no idea what she's doing.

Yeah, I'm done with this because I know you got much better. I practically made me review every book you have.

Language rating: you're not an analphabet

Plot: I actually find the plot a little interesting and would actually read on if the writing wasn't so crappy. We have this girl Kat who is a complete Mary Sue who goes to school.

I can't for the life of me remember what happened in the prologue... oh wait, car crash, Kat's mother dies. I'd say spoiler warning, but no one is reading this anyway. So yeah, Kat's mother dies and her father annoyingly calls her Kitten. Her name is Kaitlyn or something, by the way, so totally not cool, dad.

Right, so after that piece of drama, we're treated to twenty four pages about Kat's first day at school. I shit you not. Every. Damn. Class. And we're introduced to a gazillion characters in classical telly fashion.

I said this once, I'mma say it again. If your daily routine does not include sacrificing a small goat to Cthulhu, I don't give a rat's fart. The only interesting thing we find out is that Kat's a complete lazy ass who never pays attention in class, but gets the answers right because she can read the teacher's mind. And it's all so normal for her.

Of course everyone loves Kat and wants to be her friend/boyfriend and there are like a million people around her, but she's not popular, she's an artist and likes to draw. Then the new cool kids come and of course they want to be friends with her except the dark brooding mysterious one who she's been drawing.

And he glares at her with longing. Right... can totally see where this is going.

We're mostly treated to teenage crap and an attempt at date rape that is treated lightly and joyfully because Damien the glarer saves the day. Then we're treated to a freak storm which reveals Kat might actually have super powers (what a SHOCK!) and Damien apparently takes her into another dimension for a nap. Yeah, I'm done here.

.Plot rating: Could actually be interesting is chiseled

Characters:

Kat: Is an annoying little Mary Sue. She's not trying to be cool, but oh, look how cool she is. The star quarterback wants to date her and so does her best friend. Um, Kat, if your best friend keeps asking you on dates, he's not your best friend anymore. So, yeah, she hears voices and thinks it's normal and is freaked out by Damien's longing glare. She has the voice of a thirteen year old girl, which sorta makes sense, though I'm positive she's older than that.

Abs: Seems okay. The typical best friend character.

EJ: Hopelessly in love with Kat, but is so cool about it, apparently. He seems okay too, though these three tend to make some cringe-worthy jokes amongst themselves.

Nick: Is an asshole who can't take no for an answer.

Tiffany: The stereotypical bimbo enemy of the MC. Likes EJ. Dumb as a brick.

The Armstrongs: are an amorphous bunch of new kids who are instantly cool and who of course think Kat is the height of cool. They might have ulterior motives, but so far, I kinda want to send them to save Mufasa from the stampeding wildebeests and watch them fail, cackling madly.

Damien: Is an adopted Armstron, which for some reason is important. He acts like he hates Kat, but is of course secretly in love with her like everyone else and stares at her with longing (Seriously getting Edward Cullen vibes right now). He saves her from date-rapey Nick and takes her into another dimension for a nap. Do I like him? Nope. I keep picturing him like Damien from South Park. All hail the prince of darkness!

Other millions of student: nothing worth describing here.

Kat's dad: typical useless parent in teen fiction. Apparently loves free food.

You know, I just realize this could actually be a teen fiction hit. It has all the elements

Character rating: seen one, seen 'em all

Why I stopped reading: I couldn't do it anymore. Honestly, if not for the challenge, I wouldn't have even bothered reading chapter 1. It's that lame, in lack of a better word. I think that's actually the perfect word. It's readable but lame. Reminds me of how lame I was and I'm not going back there.

Grade: Epic Fail. You knew this was coming. Enjoy. And holy shit this review was huge.