The Evil Rant And Review Book

Clockwork Hourglass

Author: catchmydreams_

Genre: Fantasy

No. of chapters read: 5

First impression: This sounds interesting. I'm all for body swapping slightly historical fiction. I can't say the Mortal Instruments were my cup of tea (I'm looking at you Clary and Jace, you pathetic sacks of demon hunting rubbish), but I enjoyed the Infernal Devices, so if it promises to be something like that, I'm game.

Cover: Not fair! We share the same cover artist and your cover is awesome. The image is awesome, the font is awesome... everything is awesome! (sing along! Everything is cool when you're part of a team. Everything is awesome!! - Sorry about that, couldn't help myself)

Cover rating: Everything is awesome!

Blurb: Okay, I like the concept of what you're dishing out, and the info you put out, but I'm not a big fan of the way you dish it out. The blurb feels disjoint, you actually have missing words in it (ways that could never imagine??), your use of punctuation is dreadful (why the colon after present day???).

After reading your blurb, I'm SO NOT looking forward to the story. And you know why? Because it promises a good plot hidden in crappy grammar. For shame!

Blurb rating: Fix it!

Let's get it on!

Second impression: This is obviously a first draft, but a pretty solid skeleton.

Actual review (drum roll please):

Language/Writing: I'm so going to give you shit! First off, the concept and world and character are all good. I enjoy Liz's voice and all her mindless inner thoughts (ha! enjoy the paradox), but it's so obvious that it's a first draft that my eyes are bleeding. You know why? Because the text could seriously use some buffing up. The idea is there, the characters are there, the setting... I think it's there... I never thought I'd say this, but you need A LOT more description.

You want to travel to the 1819s? Well, guess what? You're taking us along for the ride and you need to tell us what you see. A dark room? Wow, how descriptive - not. I wanted to harp on the mirror, but I'll do that later.

So, yeah. You need to edit your shiznit (even if you said you'd do it after the whole story is over...). You need to buff up your story and take the time needed for each scene. Your chapters aren't long, so get to building!

My biggest problem? Those flashbacks are a freaking mess! They're somewhere between memories and actual scenes, but the tense jumps all over the place so I can't tell which. Why can't that woman just tell Liz the story and we have to be plunged into a completely unnecessary flashback? Twice, because she couldn't just have it all out in one saying. Yeah, you need to work on those because they suck (read this in the kindest tone possible). *whispers* your flashbacks suuuuuck...

Language rating: Good bones. Needs meat.

Plot:

It's all kindly explained in the blurb. Liz travels in time, ends up in Helena's body and she must chose which guy to marry because shit hits the fan no matter her choice. Really. There's no way in hell Liz can go back to her former life because... reasons?

You reeaaaaallly need to work on this because the reason why Liz and Helena are connected is either A. mysterious and you haven't actually revealed it to us yet, B. you don't know what it is either, C. is bullshit.

As far as I've read, it's kinda option C. Horace's explanation makes no sense, whatever happens, Helena is fucked. Whatever happens, Liz is fucked. When there's no way you can win, why try in the first place? What happens if Liz just married a third party? Or refuses to marry at all? There's no way to save herself and Helena either way. There's no way each of them will return to their lives. So boo!

Also, I think Liz needs a bit more time to herself to come to terms with what happened. Instead, she hops around the mention and is expected to learn how to be Helena in ten minutes or else her father might actually guess that there's a different girl in his daughter's body. Because that's something all parents instantly think about.

Also, how is her having to choose between two brothers fair and acceptable? It sounds hurtful and awful and mean.

So, yes, a lot of things yell plot device at me, so be careful with that. Plot device is an awful thing.

Plot rating: Good bones, needs some flesh.

Chracters:

Liz: I actually like Liz. Her inner voice is hilarious. She has these precious moments when she freaks out about being thrown back in time and has a mini rant about going outside with an umbrella on a sunny day which tell me that A. Liz is funny and B. Liz is pretty stupid because who the hell doesn't know that people used to cary umbrellas to protect them from the sun? Some even do that now. Go to Asia.

Somehow, Liz being rather stupid actually works. It makes things a lot more fun. I mean wtf Liz? You confused a mirror for a picture? I mean I get that chick didn't look like you, but you could see yourself approaching that shit. Though that Hogwarts comment was gold.

Aunt . (Dot): I like her. And her umbrella. She seems like a badass. My only problem? Yup, you guessed it: her damn flashbacks! She doesn't believe Horace just to believe him later and then it's because she supposes her niece is in danger, but she's not because she becomes a ghost and stays that way??? Because reasons?

Liz's friends: are apparently Helena's descendants? Doesn't that mean they're actually Liz's descendants because if she chooses right and they live, Liz stays in Helena's body? Which means Grace and Arthur (I think - don't judge me, he only appeared in like one chapter) are actually Liz's great great great grandchildren or something. Aren't we all glad there's nothing between Liz and Arthur right about now?

Character rating: Good flesh, needs bones

Why I stopped reading: I was out of chapters. I would've probably gone one more before stopping for the review.

Grade: Pass. But listen carefully. This story needs A LOT of work. Plotwise  and editing wise and character wise. Especially plotwise. The only reason you get a pass is because it really amused me how Liz freaked out over that umbrella. It was funny and I like funny.

Also, if you keep reading Too Young, I'll keep reading this and grace you with my hilarious comments.

Song: Ha ha ha, take that. Can't get that mirror scene out of my head.