Kavi One Shots

fighting for so long

a/n: highly recommend you to listen to Run To You while reading this for extra tears

"i've been settling scores
i've been fighting so long
but i've lost your war
and our kingdom is gone
////////////////////////
i will break down the gates of heaven
a thousand angels stand waiting for me
oh - take my heart and i'll lay down my weapons
break my shackles to set me free"

Avi Kaplan's POV

I had always thought that when you find out that someone you love dies, you can't hold yourself together and you just cry. You just cry and sob and let all the tears fall, utterly break down.

But I was wrong.

It was more of a shock. I sat there, on my couch as Mitch and Scott stare at me with tear filled eyes, just as I felt as if I was suppose to. My heart didn't drop, my head didn't spin. None of that happened yet. I just stared at nothing, but thinking of everything, and I knew then that death is the epitome of pure pain, but I couldn't do anything to stop the everlasting hurt, so I settled with a nod, and both Scott and Mitch knew to leave me alone then.

I guess the crying was suppose to come after the shock, the pain that you can't cry over because it's just that overwhelming. I guess the crying is just a symptom of complete regret or maybe even getting over it a little, because some people have felt pain so much that crying isn't a source of stress relief anymore, it just happens and sometimes maybe they can't even stop it because so much emotion is poured out into the tears and sniffs and sobs. And yet, the detriment of the entire situation was enough to make me stare, but not cry.

I think crying wouldn't do me any good, anyways. Crying seems like it'd help, but wasting my energy on doing it seems implausible. She wouldn't have wanted me to do that, to cry over something as "little" as her death, she'd say. She would let me recover over the fact she's gone, but eventually she would make sure I am okay. That I "don't need her" or can do fine without her, but in reality, I can't. I can't make myself lie just because she wants me to do that. She may not want me to cry, to sob, to break down, or to even feel like death is upon me just because of this, but it will happen soon, and all the emotion I'll put through crying will be towards her and only her.

And so I shut my eyes closed tightly, feeling the tears coming. Soon was early. I let them fall, I let myself grieve. But what I didn't do was force them away, because bottling up the emotion I needed to let go would not do me any good in the future. I felt as if she was right next to me, comforting me in a way that no one else was able to, rubbing my hand with her thumb soothingly as I sobbed into her shoulder. I imagined that she kissed my cheek, wiping my tears away as I thought of losing her, and her laughing, saying it won't ever happen. I wouldn't consider it a lie now. I would've in the past, but I don't now, because sometimes people just need to let go. Let everything go.

She let everything go because she was fighting for so long, so hard, and she won multiple times but the enemies always reincarnated and multiplied to come and beat her down again. She always won, though, so when this time, when she lost, I wasn't mad. I wasn't angry. I was proud that she fought for such a long period of time. I was proud of her, and I won't ever be mad at her for just letting go for a little while, or even forever. I'll let her since she's letting me.

I tried to look on the positive side of things, I did. But what's hard is when your life depended on one simple person that made your world flip all the time in a good way. The one person that makes you smile even though you feel as if you'd break down in a massive amount of sobs and cries.

"Avi," Scott said. I stared at them, noticing Mitch's puffy eyes. My heart dropped. "Sit down," Scott suggested. I did as he told me to, and I stared up at them. "She's.... she's gone, Avi," Scott shut his eyes closed, tears brimming his eyelids. Mitch started to sob uncontrollably, sinking into Scott's chest. I didn't know what to do.

"We'll go," Mitch said. "We know you need alone time. Kevin will be here soon, okay?"

I simply nodded, not speaking a word. It wasn't much time that passed when a few knocks were ringing at my door, and then it being opened to reveal the dark skinned, tall man. "Hey," he said ever so softly, closing the door behind him as he entered. Eventually he was next to me, which was a miracle that I was paying attention. My focus was going to her every time someone tried to talk to me.

I barely said a coherent hello, and Kevin didn't say anything about it. I figured he expected it, especially because of the current situation. And as we were both silent, I heard a sniff come from Kevin. I looked over at him, noticing his tear-stained cheeks and red eyes. "Yeah," I finally said for the first time that day. "I know. I miss her."

"It hasn't even been a day and we're already missing the hell out of her," Kevin laughed, but humorlessly, as if he didn't want to at all. I didn't blame him. "Everyone is, Kevin. Everyone is."

She was my world, and she was one hell of a fighter. I'll let her stop the fight for now.

***

a/n:: wow idk what this is lol