HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

Petunia Evans

deer3123

This story revolves around Petunia Evans, Lily Evans's older sister. It is an alternate universe where both Petunia and Lily are Muggle-born witches and both attend Hogwarts.

Overall, I really like the concept and what I've read so far of the story. The vocabulary and grammar is very good and the descriptions are well-written. There was a great introduction to the story at the very beginning of the book. It really gave the context of the story.

Being a Muggle-born witch is rare enough in itself, however having two Muggle-born witches in one family seems extremely rare. I'm not saying it can't work, because it is definitely possible. However, I think that the fact that both daughters ended up being witches with Muggle parents should be acknowledged somehow in the story. Eventually, when both sisters attend Hogwarts, the rarity of their situation should be acknowledged. People should question how it happened that they had two Muggle-born siblings, because that is unlikely. If they told anyone they were Muggle-born, it is more than likely that they would not be believed.

I like the way Mr and Mrs Evans were portrayed, but I think they would be slightly more disbelieving when they were told that Petunia was a witch. Perhaps it would take more convincing on Professor Flitwick's part to show them that it is true. They would probably try to kick him out of their house or be a bit more scared when they see him perform magic.

Lily and Petunia's relationship will definitely be different in this story than it was in the real Harry Potter universe. I like the fact that we can tell right off the bat how close the two sisters are. It is clear from the very first chapter.

A few things to consider while writing this story: how did the fact that Petunia was a witch change her relationship with Lily? Was she still as close with her even though she went away to Hogwarts for the school year? Their relationship would definitely be a lot better because Petunia wouldn't be jealous of Lily for being a witch. I do think that it was pretty much in Petunia's nature to be jealous. Would she start to feel inferior to Lily once her sister attended Hogwarts with her? Would she be even the least bit upset that she wasn't the only witch in the family?

With Petunia as the main character, her personality should be the most developed. I always thought of her as basically a female version of Percy Weasley. She obeys the rules and is pretty annoying. Since she is the main character of this story, though, she should somehow be lovable. People like reading about characters that they actually end up liking, so be sure to make her have good traits that make her likeable. Maybe she's funny in a clumsy sort of way, maybe she's sarcastic, maybe she follows the rules so closely that her friends tease her in a playful way.

When she's finally heading off to Hogwarts to start her first year, I would suggest making her slightly reluctant to leave Lily and her parents, but especially Lily. They were basically best friends, so she should be upset to leave.

Later on in the story, once Lily gets to Hogwarts too, I would also suggest including Petunia's interactions with Snape as well as with the Marauders. Clearly, none of them would like her very much. In my opinion, Snape would probably be jealous of the fact that Lily spends so much time with Petunia instead of with him. I also think that James and Sirius would probably make fun of Petunia or tease her, while Lily would defend her sister. It doesn't have to always be this way because James and Sirius do change afterwards and bully a lot less.

Just be careful with punctuation. The spelling is good with the exception of the occasional typo, but make sure to put commas and periods at the end of dialogue and sentences. Also, make sure you space your paragraphs out, because it can be confusing if it looks like there are two people speaking in the same paragraph.

I'm very interested to see where you take this story and I hope this review was helpful!

-queenb816