HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

Snow White {Remus Lupin}

Snow White by @madpadfoot

Honestly, I don't have many complaints for this story. You're writing is good and descriptive, and the story is interesting to read. There are a few things I want to point out though (particularly the Amortentia), but just know that I really like everything about your story and characters.

I'm going to thank you for not relating your OC to Fenrir Greyback. It's good to know there can be stories about Rem Rem where ol' wolfy isn't related to or affiliated with the OC. Unless he is... that could potentially be a problem... potentially...

Just a reminder that I'm not bashing stories with Mr. G in them. There is a way to write them so that they're original and unique, but most of the time, they are incredibly cliche. (Be honest; I know you've read at least one if you've ever read Remus Lupin fanfics.) Okay, back to the review now...

I love Caroline's character. She's a total jerk to everyone, but she's got such a soft spot for her friends. She is literally a prettier version of me with slightly more friends, so I can relate to (most of) her thoughts. I love the way you've written her. She is not the Snow White I was expecting; she is even better. :)

One little cliche-ish thing in HP fanfics in general is the love potions, especially Amortentia. That's always how they discover their feelings. Um... isn't there another way? There is a slew of other, more diverse ways to find out you love someone. Besides, they obviously know their feelings if they're smelling them. You've gotta know that you love this person if you're smelling them in the potion. 

I know I'm not a HP expert (and I don't claim to be), but I do know that love potions (even the really powerful ones like Amortentia) don't create love. When it comes down to it, love potions are mostly science (yes I know science isn't a thing in the wizard world, but the principles still apply. They don't just go away. Plus, I've got logical explanations for all of my claims; just hear me out). They can't randomly pull love out of thin air; they activate the part of the brain responsible for feeling love and set it into overdrive. That part of the brain (I'm going to call it the Love Cortex because I don't know the actual name for it) becomes the dominant part of the brain for a period of time--whether it is long or short depends on how powerful the potion is.

This means that the Love Cortex is basically controlling said person until the effects of the potion wear off. This was the case with Voldy's father. The love potion wore off, and the Love Cortex was no longer the prime functioning area of his brain, and he continued with his life, functioning with a normal Love Cortex. (It also kinda messed Voldy up too... I blame science.)

Also, Hermione didn't get a whiff of Ron in that potion when she smelled it, but they still Why? Because, at the time, she didn't love Ron. She did in the end because her feelings changed. Not every future couple will smell their SO in the potion. It's not magic; it's science.

Okay, I know I went off an a tangent, but lets go on... This might sound far fetched, but just hear me out here.

You're sitting in potions class, and the professor has Amortentia out on his desk. You get a whiff, and it smells like the generic things (your favorite perfume or flowers or your house or something like the ocean/beach) but... but then you smell him, that boy from across the room that you've never held a deep, meaningful conversation with, never thought about romantically, never wanted him at your side in any romantic way... But you smelled him in the potion, so it's gotta be love.

Um... WRONG!! (not you; my example)

In my opinion, which I'm sure some of you don't agree with, you have to know what you love to be able to smell it in the potion. The potion itself isn't omniscient; it just activates the Love Cortex. Potions aren't these crazy things that know everything; the love potion isn't a god. It's science.

You're making it sound like Snowy and Remy don't know that they like each other. If they hadn't ever thought of each other in a romantic sense before, then they wouldn't be smelling each other. It's that simple. They obviously have conscious feelings for each other or they'd be smelling something else like waffles or dog breath or Snape's hair.

So, yeah, there's got to be a better way to introduce the love story than that. It's generic; we want BOLD. No, we NEED BOLD.

Love Cortex aside, I really enjoyed reading your story, and I can't wait for future updates! I hope this review was actually useful... I know I went a tad too crazy with the love potion thing, but I've just seen it so many times... I'm just going to stop typing now before I start rambling again.

So, yeah, I hope this helped in some way, and if you need more assistance with this story, I'll be happy to help! :)

-Jtsquared4