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The Beloved's {Marauders Era}

The Beloved's by Infin-X (did I get that right?)

First, I'd like to make two apologies:

One, I'm sorry this took so long; I'm not going to make excuses for myself, but I will say that I am honestly sorry about that.

Two, I am also sorry that I have not read your book in full. I have gotten to around chapter ten to give you a rough estimate of where I am with this review. So I apologize if some of the issues I will address have already been changed or fixed in your newer chapters.

Okay, let's do this.

So, there are three girls that you've created, and they're all really cool characters, but I feel like they're all the same in a sense. I'm not seeing very much diversity between the characters with their flaws (do they even have any?) and their personalities. They all seem way too perfect to be fifteen-year-olds, and I know because I am a fifteen-year-old myself. They are way too self-centered, and there should be more to them than wanting a date with [insert marauder here]. And setting people up is a thing that happens in real life, but I personally don't want to read a about the lives of boy-obsessed schoolgirls. There is more to life than thinking, "When will Sirius Black kiss me??" and, "Lily and James need to get together already!!"

They need to talk about more than just boys. Boys are icky.

On the note of boys, I love that you make Peter an equally important part of the Marauders as the others. You stay true to his character very well, and I enjoy seeing him as more than the follower. So double thumbs up and a smiley face for you!!! :)

Speaking of characters, you need to give the reader a way to remember these girls. All I know is the color of their hair, and that isn't really enough to truly know a character. Give us more than, "She is strawberry blonde and beautiful," because I know there is more than that. Give them a feature about them (the way they walk, the pitch of their voice, anything) so that they are more easily identified.  And make sure to mention it more than once. Because I know from reading that if a detail seems small and insignificant, the reader will most likely forget it.

Also, commas are a thing that exists, so I suggest using them. Again, I didn't read your story in full, and I'm sure your grammar has improved, but I suggest going back to the first ten or so chapters and fixing those run-ons. Because there are a lot.

And just as a quick little note, you don't need a disclaimer at the beginning of every chapter. By skimming through the others, I know you've stopped doing it, but I suggest going back and deleting the unnecessary disclaimers. It's a huge turnoff for me with reading on here, and normally I can skip over a detail like that, but it has happened for ten consecutive chapters, and that is a lot.

Speaking of turnoffs, what really grinds my gears is when there is no plot the the story. I get it; the love is the plot, but... I don't get it. No offense, but I personally enjoy my romance with more substance, like a few side plots to keep the story moving along without being just "I like him; he likes me," you know? The only conflict should not be their inability to land a date. You don't see Peter complaining, do you?

Every good romance I've read had an overall plot that was more than just the kisses and cuddles and heartbreak. Yes, it was a huge factor, but there was always more, so I'm asking for a bit more. Add in some sub plots, because I did find myself bored at times while reading. Your writing style is great, and I know that if you gave the story a little more flair, it would become even better!

I know that you take pride in your story, and you should. From what I read, there are a lot of really good moments. You have written Sirius and Peter very well, and there are a couple times I found myself laughing out loud at some of the dialogue. You have a great writing style; chronologically, everything flows. I have never gotten lost in the timeline of the story, so a applaud you for that. All of the information fits nicely, and that is something I love when I read on here because some people toss out the most random information at the most random times. But you don't do that, and that is perfect :)

I'm terribly sorry if anything I said seems harsh or rude, but that wasn't my intent. By no means do I claim to know everything, and I know some people enjoy a story that is plotted only on the romance aspect of things, but sadly that person isn't me. 

Keep up the great writing! :)

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