HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

Umbridge's Daughter

ThatPotterheadPoet

I really like the idea, and the fact that it isn't all cliche.

There are still a few things you can improve on. 

Firstly, it's like Umbridge is overreacting one second, and the next she's all, "Are you ready to go dear?" I just feel like that's a bit... Of a quick transition.

Also, there are a few typos. Those could likely be fixed it you had an editor combing over it and looking for typos and mistakes, like when you said "Her Dolores..."

Again, like I said on the last one, the grammar is a bit off. In the same way. If you write something after the quotation ends, there isn't a period, there's a comma. For example, if I said:

"Er... I don't know," Charlie blushed a deep red.

But if it was like this:

Charlie blushed a deep red and said, "Er... I don't know."

See the difference? If you still don't get it, you may want to request a chapter on this with our other book, Grammar Help. ;)

Also, watch Draco. He's not a snobbish little brat yet - 5th year at the moment - but he certainly isn't very kind, especially not to people he just meets. This may be because Umbridge, but I don't know.

Also, Crabbe and Goyle are daft as crap. They wouldn't be able to "nod in understanding", they would nod in "We have no clue what just happened, but let's nod along like we do"-ing.

Basically, just keep the characters in character.

So the only edits I have are to keep them in character and watch grammar and spelling. Have fun, and good luck! 💋

-crtvtrc

By the way, I make these comments as I read, so please excuse if it seems a bit weird. Thank you! 💚