HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

SQUIB

SQUIB by live_life_with_books

To start, I'm going to let you know that I haven't read the whole thing, and I'm sorry about that. It's a really good story, I just really wanted to get this review out. So just know that the chapters I've read were all of your older ones, so your writing might have improved/developed. I think I stopped reading around chapter 20-ish to give you an estimate.

Also, yikes it's been about a month since I told you I'd have it done... I procrastinate...

Okay, review time!

When I first started reading, I was pulled into your story with such a force, that I thought, "Wow, this is going to be a great story! So thrilling!" After the first chapter, I craved all of the answers for the problems and questions your character had. And also, I was completely awed by the concept of a Squib assassin. That's crazy stuff!

But at the same time, she's an assassin. Why does she act like the friendly waitress at the cafe down the street? She was disowned by her family, became a murderer, and... she is still mentally stable and can obtain healthy relationships?? Um... what? I understand that Harry Potter had a life of living under the stairs and being unwanted and he was still able to have a normal life, but did Harry Potter become an ASSASSIN??? No!!

She is an assassin! She made the choice to kill people, and in the prologue and into the first chapter, you showed the assassin side of her extremely well, but then when she gets thrown back into the magical world, she suddenly becomes a completely normal person who just so happens to be carrying around a concealed weapon? This isn't adding up to me. Where is the rage? The fear? The emotion?

Speaking of the Squib Assassin, um, she's a squib. So why in the name of cheese sauce does Voldemort want to associate himself with her? This is the Dark Lord we're talking about here, not just some random evil dude! His purpose of world domination is to get RID OF MUGGLES, MUGGLE BORNS, AND--YOU GUESSED IT--SQUIBS! SO WHY DOES HE WANT HELP FROM A SQUIB? 

Answer: he doesn't. If Voldemort wanted help from people who use Muggle warfare, he would've abracadabra-ed an army of muggles and stolen their tanks and guns! Why does he want her? I need an explanation, and if you did happen to explain this in a chapter I didn't get to, please let me know because I want to know.

But other than that, I really like your characters. Erin and the Weasley twins are really fun to read about. I feel like you should just expand on her and give her more grief and pain and sorrows about everything that happened with her family. It would make her character so much more interesting to read about.

Moving away from characters, now I want to address the chapters.

The prologue was incredible. I was hooked as I said before, but after that, everything turned... sort of dull. The way you started to end that chapters wasn't very intense, and sometimes I questioned why you decided to end the chapter in those particular places. It felt like you were cutting information short; the end of a chapter is a very important part of it. You can either tie up loose ends or make ends looser, but you just kinda left me in the middle.

It's like writing an essay and leaving out the conclusion. It's also like this:

Mittens was a cat. She played with the mouse. The mouse found cheese.

Was it just me, or was something not there... maybe the ending. Yeah, that's how your chapters go, just with better descriptions. Your descriptions are wonderful by the way.

While I'm on the topic of endings, I feel like there are some chapters that you could combine together so that everything flows. Why break up the similar information. It's like cutting up a block of cheese and putting it back into the same bag. You still have the same amount of cheese, it's just separated. I suggest combining a few chapters together.

Overall, the plot is good, but I think it could be explained more and have more depth to it. And you should also make Erin more complex; add more, different emotions to her character. 

Sorry if any of this came off as rude. I'm sure that you're very fond of your work, and you should be; it is absolutely amazing. Your characters are good and your plot is original. So, if I said something that offended you, please don't hurt me. I'm only trying to help... I apologize if I took it too far.

-jtsquared4