HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

I Solemnly Swear That I'm Up To No Good

I Solemnly Swear That I'm Up To No Good by horserider_154

I really like where this story is going, and there are a lot of great things happening! Your characters are cool and interesting, but there are a few things that need addresses regarding the characters.

First, you have a crap ton of characters. I don't know exactly when your story takes place (I do know that it is some time after the Battle of Hogwarts), and since it's a next gen type thing, having lots of characters is understandable, but you have a heck of a lot of them. It feels to me like you are just throwing in random characters all willy-nilly, and it's getting hard to keep track of them all. So, if you have a character who will only be in the story for two sentences, is it worth even giving them a name at that point? It is not necessary to name all of your background characters; it only brings confusion. 

Speaking of characters, while they are interesting to read about, I was under the impression that they were eleven-year-olds. They don't act like they're eleven! Yes, a little crush is normal for someone of that age, but kissing and holding hands and going to Hogsmeade together? I think that is going a little bit too far...

I am not suggesting you take out the relationships entirely, just make them more age appropriate. So, the kissing and hand holding is kinda crossing a line. I would suggest revisiting that and making the kids' relationships more believable. When I was eleven, I thought boys were gross. I still do, and I'm fifteen now, so...

While we're on this topic, they're first years, and I don't know what changed with the rules of the school, but last I checked, first years can't go to Hogsmeade. They also didn't take Ancient Runes in their first year either, so that is a potential issue. And I don't know what kind of experts these kids are, but their ability to preform spells so perfectly is some grade-A voodoo shite. They are inexperienced eleven year olds, but they can master the disarming charm and survive some dangerous dark magic? I understand that they both came from magical families, but that doesn't automatically make them magic experts. Look at Ron; he's a pureblood, and he couldn't master spells the first time he tried them. Heck, the boy even broke his wand!

Also, while you, the writer, might have extensive HP knowledge, your characters shouldn't. They shouldn't know all of the routes around the school, and a Ravenclaw shouldn't have the Gryffindor password, and they should not be wandering around in the forest at night. While you might know everything there is to know about magic, your characters don't. You give your characters an exceptional amount of intelligence that even Hermione Granger didn't posses. Make sure that their intelligence is believable.

Something I really like about your story is the plot. I like the idea of the hooded man, and I really want to know more about him. I caught on to some of your foreshadowing, and it's great that you added it in like that. It really adds something to the story. :)

While you have an interesting plot, I feel like you're rushing things. It seems like you're going fast, tying to get to the end in a snap. Your goal with writing shouldn't be to get to the end; it should be to depict a scene and get your story moving in the direction of the end. The end should be the last thing on your mind, and when I'm reading I can tell that you want to get to the end of a chapter quickly. Just slow down when you're writing; there is no need to go too fast.

This is a minor thing, but I noticed that some of your grammar is incorrect. Within your first couple of chapters, you misused the word "there." You also used the word "said" instead of "asked" when a character is asking a question, making the meaning incorrect. If you need any help with your grammar, I suggest checking out our Grammar Help book, which goes more in detail with there, their, and they're and other concepts that might be beneficial to read over. You can also PM us, and I'll try to offer some assistance.

There are dialogue rules with commas and other punctuation that you should watch, and you should also keep an eye on some of the things your characters are saying. No one in their right mind would use "text talk" in a real conversation. Instead of saying, "KK," have your characters say, "Okay." It literally takes one extra second to type out, and it improves the quality of your writing immensely.

Just to recap, your plot is great and I like your characters, but you should watch the dialogue punctuation, text talk, and the age of your characters. Keep up the great writing!

I hope I was able to offer some useful help! :)

-jtsquared4