HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

Dysfunctional {Newt Scamander}

Dysfunctional by @E_Newman

You've got a really cool story. I like the whole curse thing you've got going on. With curses, you can do a lot of fancy things, and I really like your curse. However, I'd like to know more.

I'm not telling you to explain everything about the curse. If you did that, it'd be giving everything away. I understand that your plot focuses a lot on her curse, so don't just spell everything out for us readers. Let us make our own assumptions and guesses.

With that said, you should give us something more to go on. All we know is that the curse turns her skin dark, and she has to cover it up. You also mentioned something about her aunt going crazy, and that seems to be an important detail. You should build on that. There should be more about how terrifying this curse is.

Make the readers freak out. You need to make us so scared of this curse that we're checking our own skin for marks. Don't spell out everything, but use some details about her family to freak us all out a bit.

Okay, switching gears. Your dialogue is formatted incorrectly. "You've written it like this," Jessica said. "Yes, it's all just one big paragraph," her imaginary friend added. Jessica chuckled, "You're right, my friend. It gets a little confusing when dialogue is written this way." Her imaginary friend smiled, "There is a simple solution to this problem. Simply press the enter key/ return button and make each line of dialogue a new paragraph!" Jessica was delighted, "Wow! For someone who doesn't even exist, you sure are smart!"

Okay, yes, that was an odd piece of dialogue, but it's all I got. Anyway, just make each line a new paragraph. It's easier to read and understand.

And you have commas everywhere. It's like comma city. I suggest going back through and rereading your sentences to see if they're actually sentences. If the "sentence" does not contain a verb, then it is not a sentence and needs to be rewritten.

I really like your story and your curse and Newt. It's a great story, and I'm excited to see where it goes. <3

-Jtsquared4