RAGE

Chapter 3. Needing Rage

Scarlett

I have learnt this from the storms... the quieter you are, the deadlier you become when it's time for destruction. 

I watched it happen before my eyes, day by day as you walked into my life. Quiet, brooding, alone, deadly, your gaze never on anyone but me and that cup of coffee. You were mysterious. like a puzzle that itched me the wrong way, because none of your pieces matched the person I was trying to decode you as. That's what we do, don't we? That's what makes us humans. When we like someone we expect them to be the one we have always wanted. Even though they weren't. You were thrilling and exhausting at the same time. You were everything yet nothing at all. A delusion for me to be entertained. 

Were you entertaining me?

Maybe you loved to play this cat-and-mouse game. Maybe you were just trying to not be alone. How lonely must it be for you to be so feared? No one but you, in a castle carved of diamonds. Is being feared a curse? No one around to make you smile... you don't smile that often, do you?

It's easier to be alone, I agree with you. No one to hurt you, no one to betray you... no one to love you... 

But when the opposite of loneliness happens even for a single chance moment it's like wildfire. It spreads in many forms. First -  a need, second - expectations, third - an acceptance, fourth - dread, fifth - mistakes and last (this one is my favourite) -  broken and left alone. Again. 

That's what you bring to my life. 

A need to be with you, to expect that you are not like everyone else, I accepted you for all your flaws and you accepted me for all my clowns, I dreaded every day waiting for the inevitable, the mistakes of us even thinking this could work and then it happens, we break, shatter, combust and finally left alone. 

Now every day is torture. Because now we don't know how to be alone again...

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After you left, I let out a loud breath through my mouth, which I didn't know I was holding back. I put the cup with shaking hands on the counter and ran to the restroom. Locking the door behind me, I grabbed the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were red and my mouth kept opening and closing like a fish. I squirmed and locked my thighs tightly, closing my eyes as I tried to gather myself. 

I had never felt that kind of sexual tension. So raw and primal, almost as if something else inhabited my body. That was my first red flag. I wasn't me when I was around you. I could feel myself pulse down there in yearning and pure need. I badly needed a release. 

I often replay our first encounter in my head. What could I have said or done differently? I could have played dumb and uncaring. I was exactly that, a dumb, uncaring, mildly funny and peaceful bitch. Yet I was none of those around you. I acted on impulse. 

My weak heart can't handle all that you are and all that you bring into my life. Yet, I was ready for the storm. I had already made up my mind that night. I wanted to feel whatever heartache was ready for me after these crashes and burns. I was going to pursue you. But I was going to make you earn it...

I hope you do so soon, I am much too impatient for this to work my way and that hardly ever happens. 

The next day, all of my confidence had already left my body the moment I stepped out of my bed. What could possibly make me think you would show up again in a place like Moose's Diner? 

I saw your car through the diner's window when you left, a black Mercedes with tinted black windows. I knew you came from money, a car like that and a man such as you didn't belong to the part of town I lived and worked at.