The Billion Dollar Mistake

22. I'm Not Taking Viagra

I thought sending pictures of Luci to the others would encourage them to contact us. Of course, the people here enjoyed the photos. Professor Whitmore raved on and on about how precious she looked. As screwed up as it was, as much as Eva and Lucien said they wanted Luci, they hadn't reached out. That was my second and last time reaching out.

Sitting in this circle of screwed up people throttled me into a mindset that I thought I was done with, helplessness. I had grown tired of feeling abandoned. My way out was to not feel at all. As terrible as this sounded, feeling anything for my daughter was too much to handle. Truly loving her meant accepting the other half of her. That was one thing I couldn't do. Mr. Myles, with no contact, still managed to send me spiraling into depression. A depression so deep that I needed a way out. Listening to the women around me, I realized that my high was their rock bottom.

Hearing how they cried, drank, ate, slept, worked their way through depression comforted me in a sick way. Many times they gave me a platform to open up, I declined each time. Telling my story wasn't high on my list, I needed this time to gain experience.

At the end of the session, a girl with bright tattoos everywhere approached the table. I eyed her silently as she picked up some of the snacks. I glanced at them cautiously, they might have spiked the snickerdoodles.

"My name is Auren," she held out her hand. "What's yours?"

"Harper Rayne." I gave her a polite handshake.

"It's nice to meet you. Are you new here?" Auren asked, pouring up a cup of coffee.

"Yes, this is like my third session." I nodded.

"How do you feel?" She asked curiously.

"It was okay, a little awkward. I'm not used to talking." I shrugged.

"Neither was I, it took a few sessions before I caved. Are you a mandatory or free will?" She rattled out.

"Free will. My doctor suggested that I join a group and here I am." I sighed, drinking from my water bottle.

"At least you're getting help. It took me downing a bottle of tequila and accidentally breastfeeding the next morning to see my problem." She toyed with the rubber band on her wrist. Being an ex cutter myself, I recognized the therapy. She was triggered and probably silently beating herself up.

"How do you not freak out while telling your story?" I asked, slightly changing the subject. I genuinely needed the advice. Only one person knew my whole story and he broke my heart.

"The little blue pill works wonders." Auren mused. I frowned slightly.

"There's no way I'm taking Viagra." I waved my hands.

"Xanax, girl. I'm talking Xanax." She laughed out.
----

"I hope you know your kid talks a lot." Kenya teased, handing Luci over the counter. She babbled happily as I held her close.

"Leave her alone." I glared while getting acquainted with the couch.

"How'd it go?" Kenya asked seriously. I felt bad for worrying her like this. I never meant to show up at her doorstep in tears, begging her to help me. A rough night of tears and fevers sent me overboard. Hearing Luci wail cut me deep, all I wanted to do was take her pain away. Kenya calmed her down and spent the rest of the night telling me that I was worth the air I was breathing.

"It was okay. It seemed like a healthy environment, just weird because everyone is so open." I replied, letting Luci bounce in my lap.

"You'll get used to it. I think it'll be good for you to learn how to depend on those around you." She smiled, motioning for me to follow her into the kitchen.

"It's so hard, I've basically been on my own since I was sixteen. I've grown not to expect selfless help." I sighed, sadly. My mind slipped back to the days of my childhood.

"Hey, you're past those days. You've turned out amazing, your daughter is healthy, sure you get down, hell we all do. Just don't stay down." She held my hand tightly. I nodded, my eyes brimmed with tears.

I will not stay down.