The Billion Dollar Mistake

41. Let's Be Truthful

Cree

"Where's Lucien?" I gritted out. This was the fifth time I'd asked. Usually I would shoot after the first.

"I'm sorry Mr. Myles, he did not disclose his location when he called this morning." Irene informed me apologetically.

"What number did he call from?" I frowned.

"His work phone." She answered quickly. I nodded and made my exit after shooting her phone off of the desk.

He had been avoiding me for the last three days and I was now curious. My brother never ignored me. I truly felt like something fishy was going on and I needed answers from him. I knew he would never rat me out, but there was something he was keeping from me.

I don't like secrets.

"Ruger, where is the jet?" I questioned in annoyance. He chuckled at me. I mimicked him before shooting the wall beside his head. He never flinched.

"Stop acting like a rich brat. You're a grown man." He scolded seriously. Ever since he had his kid he thinks he's everyone's father.

"Suck my dick, bitch." I glared.

"I hope the engine fails while you're flying." He cursed me.

"Good thing you're coming with me." I cheesed back. He rolled his eyes before pushing himself off of the wall.

"You're fixing that hole by the way." He informed me. I shrugged.

"No one gives a fuck about this dump." I joked.

Harper

Lucien hasn't been answering the phone. Lucia has been particularly whiny and I can't figure out why. Not to mention, Ruger dropped Chase off on my doorstep with no words. Just Chase, a suitcase of clothes, and a duffel bag full of money.

Not to mention my search for a new job was annoying. The store worked with me as best as they could. I needed more money though. A foot shake from minimum wage wasn't going to cut it. Lucia was growing and tuition was only climbing. Yes, Lucien was there to help, but I wanted to do something on my own.

Something for me with no one's help.

So my stress levels are through the roof.

"How did Harper go from I would rather be alone to never being alone?" Auren mused as she placed Caeya on the floor. She crawled onto the carpet and straight to Chase.

"I don't even know." I admitted.

"Do you miss it though?" She questioned. "You seem happy with people around but is it real?"

"I do miss being alone." I revealed carefully. "I just don't like feeling lonely."

"Okay..." Auren motioned for me to continue.

"When Eva was around, she would ramble so much that I could tune her out. So even though I wasn't alone, it still felt like it. That was definitely lonely. While I was pregnant, I was actually alone. She was around at the beginning and when I went into labor. Lucien didn't care about me, he only cared about Lucia." I rambled.

"Ruger was the only sense of peace. He asked about my mental just as much as he asked about Lucia. He understood that no single part of me was ready to be a mother. He tried to warn them but they all had this fairytale in their heads about how her first breaths would trigger something in me."

My old boss used to think that I was dating Ruger. She said he gave me a twinkle she had never seen before. She couldn't have been more wrong, he and I were destined to only be friends. Yes, I adored him but he never made my insides tingle.

"And when she got here, I felt so lonely and pressured. I tried to run away without her but they don't tell you that a c-section is literally organ shifting, traumatic surgery."

"Do you wish you would have gotten away?" Auren questioned while leaning forward. I took a sip of water before answering.

"Every single day." I chuckled softly. "I have my days where being a mother is the greatest thing ever, but most days I would rather be childless and alone."

Admitting that made me feel like a shitty person. I mean, who tells another person that they really don't care to be a mother. Crazy, right?

"Let me ask you this," Auren paused for my attention. "Do you feel like you're living or existing?"

"I'm definitely existing at this point." I answered honestly. I watched as the kids alternated between playing and watching the movie. Life seemed so simple for them, no problems. They were well loved, and every need they had was taken care of. A totally different life than what I was used to living. Harper then and Harper now are in totally different spaces. Uncharted territory. "But at the same time, I have no idea how to live."

•••••

So we're a bit scattered right now but, how are we feeling?

The guys are off somewhere. What do you think is happening?

Even though Harper is in therapy, she still has a long way to go. Do you think she'll ever fully accept the motherhood role?

Do you think what she feels is valid or is she just being irrational?

In the beginning, I wanted the traditional "my baby is my life" story. The more I wrote, I realized that that is not there experience for a lot of women. Pregnancy denial, post partum, general depression can keep someone from having that moment. It's not their fault. That doesn't make them terrible people.

Some people genuinely have trouble loving other people. Harper is one of those people, but she's trying.