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Should've, Could've, Would've

What are the moments in your life that you wish you should've done? Something that now gives you the feeling of instant guilt in the pit of your stomach, something that doesn't let you sleep at night, that gives you nightmares?

Well maybe not the last two.

How about things you could've done in your life but did nothing about it?

Don't get me started on "would've".

Who doesn't relate to these kinds of things anyway?

For me, if I have to say one "should've " in my life it would be: I wish I should've failed my course on purpose so that I wouldn't be this unhappy right now. I chose to stay,  now I have to live with the consequences of it.

It's the outcome I regret, not what I've gained along the way. Something gained is always something treasured or remembered for me. For example, the friends I met during my endevour of my course, our memories, our play times and mutual struggles, both mentally and physically.

The outcome of me becoming a CPA, is not what I imagined it to be. I'm not cut out for office work, I want to be free! Not enclosed in a tiny cubicle space of irritation, regret and stress. If it'd be work, I'd rather choose a happy environment where your work really matters to customers and not just do work just to make your boss happy.

Now, time for my "Could've".

I wish I could've been braver in my life. Because of this, a lot of should'ves had been created. If only I could've been braver, maybe, just maybe, I could've prevented the subsequent should'ves. For example, if only I could've been braver at meeting new people or interacting with people I should've made a new friend now or have kept my relationship with a friend and made it stronger than before, but no, I had to be a wuss and always chicken out at human interactions. I always have been afraid, afraid of dead pan silences, afraid of awkward non-verbal communications, afraid of getting my friend or aquaintance bored to death or something.

I've always imagined a lively discussion of things we have in common, but sadly all the friends I have are not in the same line of interests as I have. That's the big downside in my circle of friends. We don't have that deep connection, something to talk about the instant moment we meet, something to keep us talking for hours, something interesting for me and the other person/s. I watch too many movies for me to get this idea, it's always talking, there were rarely silences between two characters, other than it being required like in horror films.

Lastly, one "would've".

I would've done something that I love and profit from it, but I'm afraid of what my friends and family would think of me, especially if it's negative and especially if it doesn't work out for me.

Something I would love to do or am passionate about: Food, be a chef or something, I've always loved food, the taste the aroma but there's only so much I could try and I have to admit, I don't love every food there is in the world.

Next would be pictures, I love taking pictures of anything beautiful that I see, but even a camera can't compare to the beauty that the eye can see in front of them.

Recently, I've alwas wondered what it would be like if I started a youtube channel because I've been watching a lot of youtubers lately and I've seen one or two demographics that they hella earn a lot in the span of their time vlogging their almost everyday adventures, so I thought, it looks easy, but it was actually more complicated than I thought.

Plus, I don't even know how they earn from that, but what I do know is that they're pretty much loaded and earn a lot as they progress in time, and I can't help but to feel a little bit jealous of what they can do with their life but at the same time happy because of what they have achieved. Some of them I've been with from the start, some were new but I've been traveling back in their first few youtube posts and whatnot.

Still, all these things that I would do, but can't, because I'm afraid, will always be just dreams until I do something about them.

Writing is just an added bonus in my hobbies or things I do in my spare time. I never imagined ever profiting from them, but if it happened one day, then what a happy day and life it must be for me.