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Undisputable Cravings

I feel like I'm on my midlife crisis, even though I'm not. Yet.

I always think about money, money and money.

How to spend them, how to save them and how to earn them. Especially the last one.

Earning money is something I've been thinking about these past couple of weeks. I've joined a multi level marketing where everyone is all these lively persons, they talk about themselves, their struggles, their gains, their strengths and weaknesses. Then there's me.

Unable to talk about anything, unable to say something even if my life depended on it. My upline always pushes me to speak up which I know is supposed to be a good thing, but it really is taking a negative effect on myself as a person.

I'm literally going against my nature here of being an introvert, just by speaking in front of the group of people with dreams and ambitions so clear from their foresights. I can do it from time to time, but the fear of speaking still won't go away even if I've done it a couple of times.

I feel kind of jealous of my upline of achieving his goals, even though from the moment he told me his plans I just knew he would reach them in however way he can.

Now these past few weeks I haven't been active with my group, and I've missed a lot since I stopped. Now I suddenly feel all guilty that I feel like I've let them down or something.

They talk about earning money like it's easy, to them it may be that case, but to me, it's almost next to impossible. I'd like to learn the trade but somehow I also don't want to do it. Does it make sense?

I'm too afraid to do it, not because I'm afraid of rejections, but because I wouldn't know what to say, I don't know how everything works, and I know it all takes time but I overcomplicate it and want to know everything in a snap. It's hard to follow every rule of theirs, just because it's what they do, couldn't I follow my own rules?

Now that I've been less active there, I've had a little bit more time to watch some youtube videos, and have always fascinated how the youtuber co-exist together with his/her subscribers. I'm part of that fandom, but the question did come to my mind. How the heck they earn through youtube by just making these weird videos that somehow everybody, including me, loved.

I found that one of the ways or the main way they earn from their channel is through ads. Now it all made sense, but now I have another problem, what content should I put up, should I ever start a youtube channel knowing I'm a very shy introvert?

I've learned recently from this youtuber that he is currently living the life in just a short time after he posted his very first video, which in my opinion was very awful compared to his more recent videos. He progressed through time and so did his income.

Now he lives in the US, about to move to a new apartment, and just absolutely makes a living out of posting youtube videos! I mean, how freaking great is that?

He has his time to go do whatever after recording a short video somewhere around five to twenty five minutes of content and editing then boom! Money.

He makes money while he's doing something he loves! That's what I've been craving these days! I want to do something that I love to do and make money off of it.

He also said in one of his videos, and I quote "Find a job that you love and you'll never have to work another day in your life". I know he didn't made that but only then it made an impact on me.

My first option was my multi level marketing group which creates passive income overtime which I don't like doing but has a bigger income potential, and my second option is doing something that I love and earning semi-passive income overtime but has an unstable income earning capacity depending on the kind of content I make.

I know I'm not in my midlife crisis, but I don't know what to do about this.