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Different

Did you know that there are two sides of being different?

A good and a bad?

I didn't.

But I think I kinda knew. The feeling wasn't good. It was bad. It was a bad different.

When I was young, the normal people would get high grades in my school, they're talkative, friendly, just anything on the average personality of a person was the norm.

But I was different, I didn't get low grades, nor did I get high ones, I was always somewhere in the middle. Which only a few of us get to stand on, I was one of those few.

I wasn't very talkative, I was weird, I was friendly but I wasn't very engaging as a person unlike the people around me. I was different, I felt different, and I didn't like it.

I was bullied for it, for a while. Still, it would've been nice to not experience it at all. Being bullied wasn't normal in my school. Being teased and make fun of from time to time is, but bully? No.

I was bullied because I was different.

Came in college, everyone – as always – was aiming for the top, while others struggled to get to the top and others didn't cared at all. Only a few were in the middle, only a few were going with the flow. I was one of those few people.

In my college, it's either your grades are perfect or really high, or the normal high or the lowest. You're never in between. But I was. Most of the time if I'm being honest.

From there, I felt different – a bad different.

All I wanted since high school up to that point was to fit in, but I could never do it and it kept me wondering for how many years as to why?

Although, there was a point in my college career that made me feel like I was "normal" in a way. 

I may have failed one or two subjects and had to retake them again. That was normal in my college. Although it may seem bad, the feeling of being similar with other people in the norm was a nice refreshing way to tell myself that I can also be "normal" for once.

That's why it happened twice.

Only five of us graduated in our batch. All four of them were outstanding. I wasn't. I was again, different. I even questioned myself, why was I even included in that batch? I'm different from them. All of them were good compared to me. I'm nowhere near as good as they are.

Now, after graduating, I feel that I need the sense of belongingness in life. I never truly felt that I belong in something ever since I can remember, because I was different.

Now I want to be the same as other people.

I want to fit in.

I don't want to stand out anymore.

I want to go with the flow.

But just as when I thought that, that was the norm. It wasn't.

I was different once again.

In the real world, everyone wants to be different. Everyone wants to stand out, be seen, be heard, and/or be adored. Everyone wants to feel special. That was the norm.

But I didn't want that. I wanted to feel like I'm no different than any other person.

I was wrong.

I was different again, but I'm in the wrong side of different.

As always.