brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S2E5 'The Mole'

Deputy Chief Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.

Captain Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing. What brings you here?

Deputy Chief Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that.

Captain Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

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Gina: Damn it, Charles. This is a crisis. Step one: termination. You and I will never touch again.

Charles: Damn! If I had know it was our last time, I would have moaned more.

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Jake: I promise I will be stone-cold serious in my interview.
I'll even use my serious face.
If you're wondering how I'm pulling this off, I'm thinking about the time when I was eight and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.

Captain Holt: Was he right?

Jake: Yes.

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Jake: That was insane. I mean who else is hooking up that we don't know about? Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully? You and Hitchcock?

Amy: You need to forget about Charles, okay. You need to get inside and put those files back. Wow, wow, wait. Why did I get Hitchcock?

Jake: Because you're the girl version of him.

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Jake: Woo. Extreme. Oh, you guys are probably curious about ths. It's no biggy. My car's in the shop so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle.
I guess you could say I'm a gear head now.

Rosa: He held on to me so tight it was like a two-mile heimlich.

Jake: Those things have no walls on them!

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Jake: You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy who rides motorcycles into work and is always breaking the rules in the name of justice?

Amy: I don't like where this is going.

Jake: Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home case files to work on them after hours, and I might not be that great about returning them.

Amy: Oh, God.

Jake: Are you aroused because of what a bad boy I am?

Amy: No!

Jake: No!

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Jake: Can you please give me a ride?

Amy: Fine. I'll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.

Jake: "Better not bite me in the ass" is the name of your sex tape. But seriously, thank you so much for your help.

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Gina: It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voice-mail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

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Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

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Boyle: You take care of Amy.

Gina: But how to make it look like an accident?

Boyle: I'm not saying murder. Just talk to her like a normal person.

Gina: Right, even better. Get her to tell me all her little secrets, then if she tries anything we can destroy her.

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Jake: Kev!

Kevin: Jake, it's after midnight. This had better be about a murder.

Jake: No. I wish.

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Jake: Why would I be the mole?

Captain Holt: You were just caught sneaking classified material into the precinct. You spent six months undercover in the mafia and have many criminal contacts. You've been known to flaunt departmental rules and regulations, and you are deeply in debt.

Jake: Well, if you hadn't tricked me into getting car insurance, I wouldn't be in debt.