brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S4E1 'Coral Palms Pt. 1'

On to season 4!

Jake and Holt remain in Florida, adjusting to their new lives under the Witness Protection Program, while Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis is still on the loose. Their one human link to their regular lives is U.S. Marshall Karen Haas, but their anonymity may be in danger when a video of them goes viral.

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Captain Holt: So I marched in there and I told him I wanted that assistant manager position.

Estelle: I wish my son had your backbone. Then he could finally divorce Emily. What does he see in her anyway?

Captain Holt: Probably her breasts, which are heavier than average. I don't mean to be crude, ladies, but that's just how the straight mind works.

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Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.

Jake: Again.

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Captain Holt: Oh, now, Stella, you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong, female woman with nice, heavy breasts.

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Captain Holt: So we're in Florida indefinitely. You okay?

Jake: I squirt-anly am. Poor choice of words, but the sentiment remains.

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Captain Holt: I was already suspicious about your new positive attitude towards Florida, a state you once described as America's stinky butt. But then, after we met the marshal, you said something very strange.

Jake: It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?

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Captain Holt: We're not cops anymore. How are we gonna get access to those files?

Jake: Easy: I walk in there dressed as an exterminator saying I'm from 1-2-3 Pest Removal. Secretary's like, "Never heard of you." Then I'm like, [Scottish accent:] "Listen, lassie, it's best you let me speak with your principal." I hear it. I'm gonna drop the accent. She takes me to see the principal you walk in behind me and download the file.

Captain Holt: The only question is, where are we gonna find an exterminator's outfit?

Jake: We're gonna need khaki pants and a khaki shirt.

Captain Holt: To my casual wear closet.

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Captain Holt: What if we don't find Figgis? What if Figgis finds us? [holds up a smart phone]

Jake: But I thought you deleted the file.

Captain Holt: I was going to, but this camera phone camera is not the same kind of camera phone camera as I have, so I couldn't figure out how.

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Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?

Captain Holt: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.

Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

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Jake: Now if you'll excuse me, I got to drive this Bee-otch back to work.

Captain Holt: What?

Jake: Oh, sorry. This is the Ikura Bee-otch 5,000. Brand-new model. Just came in. I was gonna go for the 10,000, but that Bee-otch is way too fancy.

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Captain Holt: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.

Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school. Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

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Jake: What did this lady look like?

Captain Holt: White, female, 5'3", T-shirt that read, "Orgasm Donor."

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Captain Holt: Have you posted that video to the Internet?

Jordan Carfton: Not yet. Ran out of data on my phone because of all the porn I watched.

Jake: We don't know each other. You could've just said you were out of data.

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A/N: Sorry for taking so long to update, but everything's been a bit hectic! Promise that there's a lot more updates to come!