brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S2E21 'Det Dave Majors

Boyle: Are you leaving us for Copperhead?

Gina: Because I am prepared to light Charles on fire in protest.

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Gina: If Rosa had a twin, she would have eaten her in the womb.

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Gina: Yeah, but what's his body like on a scale of Charles to Terry?

Boyle: Sorry, buddy.

Sergeant Jeffords: What? I'm the ten!

Boyle: Sure you are.

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Jake: Every time I solve a case, I go get a steak dinner. My cholesterol is -a- terrible.

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Rosa: Why the long face? That Mexican candy giving you nerve damage again?

Jake: Probably, but who even cares.

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Gina: Hey, Terry, got any new baby pics?

Sergeant Jeffords: You hate looking at pictures of my twins. You said since they were identical I didn't need to take photos of both.

Gina: That doesn't sound like Auntie Gina. I love your baby pics. And your stories of the twins' sleep schedules.

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Amy: I got a new rule. I don't date cops.

Jake: Cool. Cool. Yeah, actually, that's funny, I have the same rule. No more cops. From this point on, it's strictly dating criminals.

Amy: If you break up with them, you can always send them to jail.

Jake: Exactly. Nice and clean.

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Boyle: If I wore a pink shirt, you'd tear me to shreds.

Jake: Well, yeah, but you'd look like a My Little Pony with a gun.

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Sergeant Jeffords: It's not just about me.

Gina: Exactly. It's about me, and how you're abandoning me to these squares.

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Jake: I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway. Taxes are due in eight months.

Detective Dave Majors: Actually, they were due two weeks ago.

Jake: Well, that is a horrible surprise.

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Rosa: I thought he was dating that weather girl.

Jake: No, he dumped her because she blamed Hurricane Sandy on gay marriage.

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Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?

Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work" - title of our sex tape.

Amy: What?

Jake: Your sex tape. What? No!

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Jake: Juicy. Juicy. Good call. Good call. Tight. Tight. Tight.