brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S4E4 'The Night Shift'

As Jake struggles with his first case back at the precinct, he encounters Jess Day, who is visiting New York, and enlists her to help him find his suspect. Meanwhile, Holt researches ways to increase office morale and Amy tries to figure out why Rosa keeps taking such long breaks.

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Jake: But my point is this: I don't care what time it is. I'm always happy to be here. Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I'm gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in. A-Noine-Noine!

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Sergeant Jeffords: Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?

Captain Holt: No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me. It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.I'm a curd-mudgeon. [silence] Wow. You're too tired for humor.

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Captain Holt: I don't think that's good party convo. Uh, maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot. I'll start. The bowline. How about some tunes? [upbeat Sousa march]

Rosa: Cool, merry-go-round music.

Captain Holt: Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time. Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.

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Charles: Now we just gotta pull his files from records.

Jake: Yep, then we bust him, and we'll be done with plenty of time before Nikolaj wakes up.

Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.

Jake: Hm? Nikolaj, yeah, I said it.

Charles: Nikolaj.

Jake: Nikolaj.

Charles: Not even close. Nikolaj.

Jake: Nikolaj.

Charles: Almost. Nikolaj.

Jake: Nikolaj. I feel like I'm saying it.

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Jake: Thank you, okay, so I break the back window, make my way over to the jewelry case. Meanwhile, you're standing lookout by the front door-

Charles: [French accent] Oui, oui.

Jake: Smoking a cigarette. Check it: Ash.

Charles: [French accent] Ooh la la. Okay, so I am smoking.

Jake: What are you doing?

Charles: Oh, Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.

Jake: Why do all your characters get STDs?

Charles: [normal voice] Because they're living life!

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Scully: Type 3 and type 9 and 12 and 13, those are all the diabeteses I have.

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Scully: I don't have any enamel on my teeth, so the cold air is excruciating.

Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe if you brushed your teeth once in a while, this wouldn't be a problem.

Scully: I do brush my teeth. They're decaying from acid reflux. You're embarrassing yourself.

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Detective Lohank: Well, well, well, if it isn't one of the world-famous Night Bros.

Jake: It's the Night Boys, and why did I correct you? I would've preferred "Bros."

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Jake: Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?

Charles: Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.

Jake: Kind of sounds like a male escort service.

Charles: The Midnight Men.

Jake: Even worse.

Charles: The Dark Stallions.

Jake: Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.

Charles: Whoo!

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Jake: Anyways, I'm back to being a cop. It's all I've thought about for the last six months.

Charles: Hurtful.

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Captain Holt: I'm worried our night shift morale problem has gotten worse.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you think? I'm sorry. I'm exhausted. My wife says when I get tired, I get night sassy.

Captain Holt: Night sassy?

Sergeant Jeffords: Hearing problems, much? Sorry.

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Amy: It's true what they say: Night shift makes for strange bedfellows.

Hitchcock: In your dreams, perv.

Amy: Ugh.

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Jake: C'mon, guys. I think they're kind of cool, retro.

Sergeant Jeffords: No, they're terrible.

Jake: Amy, come on. You're digging the tips, right?

Amy: No, I feel like I'm kissing Vanilla Ice.

Jake: There was a time you would've jumped at that chance.

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Jake: Brace yourselves 'cause Jake-y is back. [mimics a train whistle] Don't everybody mob me at once. We can high-five one at a time. Oh, I see no response. A little "welcome back to the precinct" hazing. Who's behind this cute little prank? Diaz?

Rosa: Kill yourself.

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Jake: Ah, our first case. Tasty little B&E just what the doctor ordered. Not actually, she recommended another week of bed rest. I was like, "Whatever, dorkus."

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Gina: [Australian accent] Crikey.

Amy: You're not Australian, Gina.

Gina: Get stuffed, ya drongo.