brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S3E2 'The Funeral'

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in.

Gina: Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life.

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Jake: We can deal with this. We just need a new plan.

Amy: I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, then date in secret.

Jake: Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?

Amy: Okay, new plan.

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Sergeant Jeffords: Okay guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him, but I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!

Scully: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Good. Use it.

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Amy: He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.

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Jake: God, he is the worst captain we've ever had. He drew boobies on my bullet-proof vest.

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Jake: Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall of this precinct.

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Charles: Hey, G-Spot!

Gina: Rosa, Charles. Ugh, I missed you guys so much.

Rosa: Really? Because when you left, you made a pretty big deal about deleting us from your phone.

Gina: Girl, that was just the showman in me.
PR is so boring. I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.

Rosa: I don't think we're that dramatic.

Gina: I've been gone one week. Jake and Amy are dating and they've killed a person.

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Amy: We're going to secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin, and then-

Jake: We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.

Amy: You get to keep your job.

Jake: Yes, that.

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Holt: I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope. This is what I have so far. "Pain!"
That's it.

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Jake: Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside.

The Vulture: One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house.

Jake: Oh, respectful.

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Gina: First time back at the Nine-Nine. I really miss these people. The whole crew. Jake, Terry, bleugh. I forget all their other names.

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Amy: We're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book.

Jake: The Big Book of Small Butts?

Amy: What?

Jake: It's the only thing I've ever seen him read.

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Jake: It's true. I'm going to bro down with him. If everything goes according to plan, we should be Beer Pong doubles partners by the end of the week.
Now, someone give me a puka shell necklace, I'm going Full Douche.

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The Vulture: You know, I've made a lot of improvements since you left. I got a fridge for my protein shakes. I got a kettlebell station. I got a wolf that I killed in Utah.

Holt: I'm fairly certain that's a dog.

The Vulture: Yeah, it was dark.

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Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, my life stinks. Sharon's on bed rest.
My favorite mango yogurt got discontinued. And my kids think their preschool teacher's a stupidface.

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Lieutenant Singh: I love the way your butt looks today.

Charles: I've been doing lunges in the shower.

Rosa: Well, this got upsetting real quick.

Gina: I wanna live in this moment forever.

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Jake: Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies.