brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S3E13 'The Cruise'

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Debbie: Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun big brother?

Captain Holt: Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.

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Doug Judy: Thank God you were there, Peralta. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.

Jake: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.

Doug Judy: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting him out of his shell.

Amy: Tell me about it. Every time we get emotional, he's like, "Noice, smort."

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Jake: Hey, can I ask you something?

Amy: Mm-hmm.

Jake: If the toilets drain into the ocean, does that mean a tiny shark could swim up and bite me in the butt?

Amy: No, not at all.

Jake: Psh, lame.

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Captain Holt: You found me. Drinking seltzer in the shadows.

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Doug Judy: Jake, help me. I don't want to die. I'm still on second season of "Game of Thrones."

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Captain Holt: I need this to settle my nerves. Hurricane Debbie is approaching. My little sister Debbie, she's a real drama queen.

Gina: The drama queen of the Holt family. What, did she laugh out loud one time?

Captain Holt: She's laughed out loud multiple times.

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Debbie: My trip here from the train station hey, I swear to you I heard the cab driver mumble under his breath, "You will die tonight." Is that not the most insane thing you have ever heard? I mean, can you even, Raymond?

Captain Holt: I cannot even.

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Doug Judy: You're welcome to chill here. It's the least I can do to thank you for protecting me.

Jake: Never. This protection scam is a scam. Do you honestly think you can fool me again just because you've successfully done it numerous times before?

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Debbie: When we were little, we would go down in the basement, and he would build us a fort. We would stay down there all day. And Ray would sing these silly little made-up songs.

Captain Holt: George and Ira Gershwin did not compose silly, made-up songs.

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Jake: You brought your own shuffleboard stick?

Amy: Mm-hmm.

Doug Judy: They're called tangs. You should be glad she has her own. You don't want her messing with another man's tang.

Jake: There is no way they're called tangs.

Amy: It's true. They are. And the disks are called biscuits.

Jake: Tangs and biscuits? That is so dumb. I officially love shuffleboard.

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Jake: We still don't know what your hitman looks like, so we're gonna have to flush him out. Wait a minute. Where do the toilets on this boat go?

Doug Judy: You don't want to know.

Jake: The pool?

Doug Judy: Ocean.

Jake: Oh, that's even worse. That's where my shrimp live.

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Captain Holt: Debbie, it's just too much.

Debbie: What happened?

Captain Holt: Wait till you hear. Kevin is all, "Hey, man, I'm leaving for Paris," And I said, "Then go already. I don't care," but I do care, and now I'm like, "Where's Kevin?"

Debbie: Well, I didn't know y'all had all of that going on.

Captain Holt: Ugh, no one understands me. And now you're here, and I love you, but, like, it's a lot. Everything in my life is a hot mess right now.

Debbie: Damn.

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Mr. Gotaro: Uh, before I leave, um, I should tell you, you're both great applicants, but I've decided to rent the apartment to someone else.

Rosa: I smiled at you. For what?

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Amy: I know you're bummed about the Pontiac Bandit so if it's any consolation, we could spend the rest of the cruise eating shrimp in bed.

Jake: That is incredibly sweet, but no way. We have too many activities to do. Eh? You'll never guess what starts in three minutes.

Amy: Salsa dancing.

Jake: Oh, so you can guess.

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Amy: This is so great.

Jake: Yeah. Seagulls, check. The ocean, check. A gang of oldies in short shorts, check, check, check. We are definitely on a cruise.

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Doug Judy: Anyways, he'll probably try to hit me at my show this afternoon. At least I'll die doing what I love: getting people horny at sea.

Jake: Yeah. Yeah. That's gross.