brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S4E2 'Coral Palms Pt. 2'

After Jimmy The Butcher Figgis sees Jake and Holt's viral video, the two begin plotting their attack. However, when caught red-handed, they are forced to experience the other side of the interrogation table. Back at the precinct, a questionable new Captain takes over.

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Captain Holt: Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.

[cut to Holt and Ruth power walking]

Captain Holt: Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.

Ruth: Greg!

Captain Holt: You know me. I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.

[later]

Jake: Heterosexual you is such a dog.

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Captain Holt: No, we'll have to bribe the gun store owner so he doesn't run our names.

Jake: But we don't have any money. Oh, my God. I'm the bribe, aren't I?

Captain Holt: You're not the bribe.

Jake: Why, what's wrong with my body?

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Amy: Some people, huh?

Charles: Hey, I'm up to 20,000 steps.

Amy: Seriously, Boyle?

Charles: Oh, you don't care about my health? You don't care about if Nikolaj grows up without a papa? You want me to die?

Amy: Honestly? A little.

Charles: Hurts.

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Jake: Time is running out. We have the right to a phone call. We need to call the Nine-Nine so they can sort this out with the sheriff.

Captain Holt: No, they would want to get involved and that could endanger them.

Jake: They'd be okay with that. Charles and Amy both love me. Rosa's not scared of anything. I'm like a mentor to Terry.

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Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down.
I showed up, spooked the kingpin. He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly and they made me a captain about a week later.

Charles: Didn't you have to pass the exams? Like, wasn't there, like, an interview where they met you and ... heard you speak?

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Presumably.