The Good Boy Stopped Us From Falling Apart

Chapter 36- The Body Within I Dwell

I got into the shower and turned on the pipe. The warm water hit the top of my head sending cool shivers down my spine. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep trembling breath. I took the soap out of the box and began to wash my chest. My heart raced my in my chest as my mind turned the warm feeling of the soap into the touch of a human hand. I clutched it so it wouldn't move any further forgetting that it wasn't capable of volenteery movement. I leaned over, slamming my other hand against the wall and bursting into tears.

I had never hated myself as much as I did in that shower. I hated the body I was in. The shell that somehow caused me pain, both physically and mentally. The limbs the led me to my every mistake. The ears and mouth that never obeyed the feeling in my guts. The warnings. Don't say yes. Don't listen. Don't say okay. Don't. Don't. Don't.

I looked down at the rest of my body. The part that would lead me to do wrong. To follow hormones more than morals. To follow curiosity more than morals. The part I never thought would lead so many people in the world. The part that acted like their brain and made them selfish. Selfish enough to hurt others.

I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look at myself for too long. I hated what I saw...what I was...who I was. A human being. A self-centered creature who grew up with his mind too open. So much contamination entering it, breaking me as I grew.

The soap slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor. A soar fizzing taste climbing up my throat like a trapped scream. I leaned over and let the sour screams cover the shower floor, burning my throat and nose.

I stared at it as it swirled down the drain, opening my mouth to let out another disgusting, liquid scream. But instead it was replaced with a wail. An aching cry for help. A cry for attention. Some to hold me who felt genuine love for me. Not someone who fell in love or felt like they loved me. Someone who couldn't help it.

I dropped to my knees and crawled over to the corner of the bathroom praying to a god I didn't think I'd ever believe in. I begged him in my mind to help me through the pain I felt. The anger towards the girl who hurt me and many others like me. And the boy who I did it for. And for me to stop hating myself.

A sense of cooling relief slowly filled my body. I stood to my feet and picked up the soap, no longer sobbing. I washed myself then I turned off the water and began to wipe my wet skin.

I slipped some clothes on and walked silently back to my room.

Oliver sat on my bed. His face lit up when he saw me walk into the room.

I ignored his presence and began to stuff my bags with clothes. His stare heated my body and caused me to tremble. I looked at him.

His eyes were full of tears. He was about to open his mouth to speak but I stopped him, putting my hand on his shoulder.

I gave him a reassuring smile fighting the tears that were trying to come.

He gulped and looked at my bag as I zipped it up.

I threw it over me shoulder.

He stood up still seeming a baffled.

I threw my arms around him squeezing him as tight as I could.

He broke down wrapping his arms around me and weeping.

I sighed wiping the tear off of my cheek. I had to leave him. Just for a while. I had to go to the person who I knew could help me as long a drive it may have taken.

I pried myself from his arms and walked over to the door. Without turning back I walked out of the room, then the building and got into my car.

I drove for hours, crying a few times on the way. It made sense to me now. This God that Harley prayed to was like a safe haven...a refuge. I never thought it made sense, but it did in that moment. Harley's God gave her hope. He helped her get though her days. Some people needed a god. I was becoming one of those people.

After hours of driving I pulled into the driveway barely parking right and sprinting up the stairs. I rang the door bell then I looked at the key as it turned a red orange.

The door opened. "Flynn?"

Tears filled my eyes. "Mom."