Sinner

Yoongi

"Repeat it all again, son. You mustn't make mistakes when it comes to our Holy Spirit and the damnation of your Soul."
I nod, keeping my head lowered to the ground where my father leans over me with a bible and a vial of holy water. I've sinned again. At least in his eyes. And sinners get punished.
Preparing myself for what's to come, my deep voice continues to whisper words of repentance and forgiveness as the whip cracks across my bare back.
I grunt, gritting my teeth as I clutch the alter so hard blood slips from between my fingers. The pain is immense but I'm used to it. The scars that mar my back can attest to it.
"Have you learned your lesson, my son? Do you perhaps believe God has forgiven you your disgusting transgressions?" He asks, condescension in his tone. His sharp voice coming out more annoyed and a little amused than anything. To him, this is normal. This is the proper way to punish your blood. Pain and prayer.
"Yes father. It will never happen again." I refuse to let the rest of my sentence roll off my overly bitten tongue. It wasn't my fault. It really wasn't. I was minding my own business in class when a girl walked up to my desk and sat down.
I hadn't said a word to her, simply ignored her and kept my eyes on my homework. Unfortunately, another boy, a troublemaker, stalked right up to her and pushed her down, making her skirt fly up in the process.
Horrified at the scene, I immediately stood to help her but right at that moment, our teacher came back in the room to see me standing over her with her skirt still pushed up. I had tried to defend myself and quietly explained the situation but the cruel boy lied and said I was trying to touch her.
I was so disgusted by his words I couldn't speak. The teacher took my silence as guilt and sent me home. My father was so furious he drove us straight to the church and dragged me up the stairs...now here we are. Again.
"You shall never touch another woman in such a way unless you are joined under God, are we clear? That is not God's plan for you, boy. You must keep your hands clean. Purity is the only way." He drones on and on.
He washed my welts and cuts with holy water before leaving me to care for myself before he takes us back home. I gingerly slip my shirt back on and follow after him, head still down, as we get into his truck and return home.

I lay in bed, hearing the hushed arguments going on from the other room. My brother is gone again. Such a dramatic kid. He doesn't respect God or our father. Whenever he doesn't get his way, he tends to disappear despite only being sixteen.
My family adopted Hoseok when he was three and I six. His parents were part of our church when they were killed in a car accident leaving Hoseok without anyone to care for him. My mother immediately took on the role as guardian and of course my father agreed. It was all part of God's plan.
Apparently they wanted another child after me but eomma's body couldn't support another pregnancy so they considered this fate. I'm not too sure I would have went that far but it's not my place to worry about such things.
Hoseok began rebelling against the church and our parents when he turned 12 and began questioning everything. Father told him to be quiet and just follow everything he said. It was his duty not to deny his parents.
He didn't agree. After his 13th birthday, he began skipping school and running away from home for days at a time. Secretly, I resented him. Because he caused our parents so much grief, my father took his frustrations out on me and forced me to stay in a strict line even more.
It's suffocating. I'm suffocating in this house. In this church. In this religion. In the expectations trying to drown me. Would it be ironic to drown in holy water? I believe so and at this point...I'd consider it.
I just hope I can teach myself to stay afloat in the rough waters ahead. I'm not perfect. Something my father can't seem to comprehend. I can't not make mistakes.
Suddenly the door to my room bursts opens to reveal my red faced father and behind him my upset eomma.
"Yoongi. Tomorrow you and your brother will be sent to camp early. He needs to learn discipline and you will be the one to help him. I expect you to continue your studies and remain on the right track, understood?"
Swallowing hard, I nod. "Yes, sir."
"That's good, son. You'll be training with father Kim while you're there and will be counceling some of the younger boys that need help. I'm counting on you. Don't disappoint me." He frowns.
"Yes sir." There's nothing else to say.
With nothing else to do, I get up to begin packing. I want to be upset but honestly what would be the point? I can never win against my father. It's just not possible. I'm simply trapped.