Sinner

Yoongi

     I run. I run from Jimin. From myself. From the thoughts begging me to turn back and kiss him senseless. I trip over a branch and fall against a tree, my head hitting the rough wood as I stop to breath.
      My entire body shakes and I clutch the bark so hard blood drips down my fingers to the ground. My free hand touches my lips and I still feel Jimin's warmth pressed again them.
      God...it's wrong. I'm wrong. I can't lose my way like this. I wince at just the thought of what my appa would do if he knew a boy kissed me. Maybe he'd starve me again or maybe beat me black and blue to learn my lesson. Or maybe he's make me drink bleach water to purify myself...
      The worst part is...I don't feel tainted. Jimin feels like purity to me. Soft and light and free. So much of what I can never have nor ever be.
      I shouldn't have lost my temper and yelled at him. This is all my fault. Jimin has the freedom to do as he wishes but I should have known better that to try to get close to someone like him. It always seems to backfire on me.
     Groaning, I step back and shake my hands trying to regain feeling in them from the numbing cold. I begin the long journey back to camp, going slow to reflect on all my actions leading up to this point.

I don't go back to our room. Instead I opt for the church. I sit down in Father Kim's office and curl up on one of his small chairs, staring out of the window as the sun begins to rise.
I sincerely hope Jimin made it back okay but I don't have enough willpower to check on him. I can't do it. It's better if I never see him again. It's the least I can do for both of us.
An hour or so later, Father Kim arrives, looking startled to see me here. "Ah, Yoongi. What brings you here so early?" He takes in my dirty attire. "Did you sleep here?"
I shake my head. "I haven't slept."
Frowning, he sits down and steeples his fingers, resting his chin on them. "Tell me what's wrong."
I suck in a deep breath, feeling shame and self hatred. "I can't mentor Park Jimin any longer. Can you please switch me with someone else." I plead.
His brows raise in surprise. "Is he causing problems?"
Swallowing hard, I shake my head. "It's not his fault. I just...please give me someone else."
He's quiet for a long time. So long that I think he forgot to answer me. My knee begins to bounce up and down out of anxiety. Eventually he sighs long and hard before smiling at me.
"No."
I freeze. "W-what?"
"I said no. You have to stay with Jimin."
"B-but why? There are several other counselors! Why can't I just switch boys?" I demand, too angry and lost to realize I'm yelling at my priest and mentor.
It doesn't seem to faze him, however. "Yoongi, listen to me. This life is hard. It's a difficult path to follow and you will have trials. Trials that make you want to give up everything and close up. People that will make you feel things you don't want to feel or repress." He explains gently.
"I c-can't..."
"I know you're struggling. You don't have to tell me. I can see it more than you realize and I also know you don't get that I'm here to help you. Please speak to me freely your worries and I'll put you at ease." He places a hand over mine, squeezing.
Tears burn my eyes as I think about my temper and the fact that I pushed and hurt Jimin in my fear and haste to escape. "I'm a bad person." I cry.
He shakes his head. "No. You're a troubled person. That doesn't make you bad. It just means we have to work a little harder to get you where you need or want to be."
I fidget with my fingers. "Please move me." I beg again.
His hand moves to my shoulder. "That would defeat the point of this whole experience, wouldn't it? You have to be able to handle anything life throws at you even if it's simple a 100 pound boy." He smiles.
I scoff, sitting back. "I'm afraid." I admit in a whisper.
He nods. "Of giving into temptations? Of giving up your freedoms? Of disappointing your father?"
My breath catches. "All of those, Yes, as well as so much more. I'm just...afraid." I lower my head.
"Don't be afraid to experience life. You can't live like a stone, my friend. It's okay to express emotion." He stresses calmly.
     "So you won't let me change rooms?" I finally ask glumly. Terrified to go back and face the boy.
     He nods with a suspiciously chipper smile. "You can do this, Yoongi-ah. I have faith in you. Now have faith in yourself." He winks and stands up, prompting me to do the same. "Now go shower and calm down. Our lessons will pick up tomorrow morning. I want you to spend time with Mr. Park today. I believe you got could use the guidance."
     I force back a groan of annoyance as he ushers me out of his office. I reluctantly give up and hear back to our room. Secretly hoping Jimin isn't there. Maybe he's taking this opportunity to see Hoseok.
    I slowly open the door to see an empty room. Sighing in relief, I tear off my shirt and head to the bathroom. My back aches from the cold and my scars itch.
     I close myself in the bathroom and, kicking off my pants, turn on the hot water. I step under the spray and let the all my stress and worries temporarily reside.
    

     I spend way too long in the shower than truly necessarily but I enjoyed the break. The solitude. Stepping out into the cold misty air, however, I realize I forgot to grab some clothes.
     Wrapping a towel around my hips, I open the door to the room, not planning to see anyone, only to freeze up. Every muscle in my body contracting until I feel I might pass out.
     On the bed across from me, lies Jimin. Naked. And not alone. I feel a flashback of deja vu as I watch my younger brother devour Jimin's plump lips. The same lips that touched mine just a few hours ago.
     Neither pay me any attention as I stand there, both too absorbed in their actions to stop. I clear my throat loudly making them not jerk to attention. Jimin stares up at me with a blank expression that almost scares me, where as Hoseok just looks embarrassed.
     "H-hyung! God, I didn't know you were here! Jimin didn't tell me." He scrambles up and puts his shirt back on.
     I stare down at Jimin as he leisurely pulls the blanket over his hips, not seeming to care at all about being so exposed.
     Shaking my head, I turn back to Hoseok. "This is the second time, Hoseok. Father Kim let you off easy last time. You know the rules here." My voice comes out weak and barely inaudible, much like myself.
     He nods, shame faced. "Sorry. I promise it won't happen again. Please don't tell eomma and appa about this." He begs quietly.
    I gaze back at my brother with sympathy. "Go on. We'll have to deal with this later but I won't tell them." I reassure him.
     He lurches forward and hugs me. "Thank you!" He glances down at Jimin in concern. "I'll see you later?" He asks.
     Jimin doesn't take his eyes off me but nods nonetheless. Hoseok leaves and then it's just us alone. My shoulders slump and a chill runs through me as I turn around to grab some clothes. Having nothing to really say to him.
     "I hate you." Comes a weak and trembling voice from behind me.
     My head lowers further. "I know."
     I pull on a pair of shorts under my towel then a white t shirt before turning around to see a quietly sobbing Jimin huddled under his sheets.
     "Did he hurt you?" I ask, dejected.
      His glare shoots right through me. "You hurt me."
      "I know. I'm sorry."
      "You're toxic, Min Yoongi." He sobs uncontrollably.
       I move to sit on the edge of my bed, just staring ahead as he has a breakdown much like the ones I frequently encounter.  The ones that haunt me everyday. I did this to him. All my fault. My darkness tainting his light.
     "I'm so sorry, Jimin..." I whisper.
      "Go to hell!"
       A trace of a smile forms on my pale face. I'm already there, Jimin. Have been since birth.