Sinner

Yoongi

     Bowing my head, I let my eyes close and just lean down on the alter. Bible scriptures stare back at me tauntingly as I wait to see if Jimin will really come or just run like hell. I wouldn't blame him. If I could, I'd do the same.
     I would honestly give anything to be in his place. Sins and misbehaviors and all. It's much less pressure to be a troubled kid than to pretend to be perfect. That breaks you.
      I shift around and feel the scars on my back brush my shirt. Maybe this is wrong. Maybe I should just tell Jimin to forget about it and ask father Kim to reassign me to someone else. I don't even know why this is so important to me. To punish him. To correct him.
     I know my brother has been with other boys. He loved to flaunt things like that at me so it shouldn't have shocked me to see him as I know him to be.
     Maybe it's because it was Jimin. I don't know why but I kinda began to think of him as a kindred spirit. Someone maybe I could actually befriend and relate to. But seeing him with Hoseok...killed all that inside me. It's not jealousy...exactly. I should have realized when he mentioned being 'close' friends with him.
      No...it's something else I just don't know what yet. It actually hurt me to see him like that. Doing that in our room. I thought I could maybe make him into someone I could actually talk to and depend on but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I have to keep my distance from him so I don't stray from my path.
     I should just go ask father Kim while I still have a chance to change my mind. With this in mind, I stand up straight and make my way to the door only to flinch when I see Jimin's small form press inside the dark church.
     He shivers in only his t shirt and ripped jeans. I freeze as he hesitantly makes his way over to me and stares up into my eyes. He bites his bottom lip between his teeth and scratches his arm nervously.
"I'm really sorry about earlier, Yoongi." He frowns.
I swallow hard and drop my gaze, my eyes coming to rest on the item placed at my feet behind the alter. My father's favorite form of punishment. Suddenly...I can't do this. I really can't do this to him. Right or wrong...this isn't the way.
Sighing, I place my hand on his shoulder and stare into his deep chocolate brown eyes. "I'm sorry. You should go to bed. It's getting late." I release him and step away.
His frown deepens and he grabs my arm. "W-where are you going?" He asks, sounding slightly panicked.
I give him a small smile. "I'm going to ask Father Kim to reassign me. Trust me...it's for the best, Jiminie."
He gasps and anger flashes in his eyes. "No! I don't want any other mentor. I told you I'm prepared to accept the punishment and we're both here! Just do it. Just get it over with and we can move on." He huffs.
I shake my head. "I don't think I can do this to you. I can't hurt you like this."
He rolls his eyes. "I've seen your back. I know what I'm getting into and I know what I did is cause for punishment. I'm here, willing to accept the consequences. Don't turn your back on me now. I was serious about being your friend." He pauses, now sounding small and unsure. "Please. Don't turn away from me. I t-think we could be good for each other. Maybe." He stares up at me, strained and waiting.
     Letting out a long breath, I nod. He flashes me his signature smile before coming up to stand in front of me. He eyes the long black leather bound whip on the floor, gulping. "W-will it scar me? Like yours?" He asks, afraid.
     I pick it up and flashes of all the times I've had it cut into my skin come to mind. "No. I'll make sure to go easy and clean it up. Mine are from years of punishment and without proper after care." I mumble, not really paying attention to my words.
      Jim I'm freezes up and grabs my hand, the look in his eyes so strong and fierce I almost take a step back. "How could your appa do such a thing? That's abuse, Yoongi-ah. Don't you understand that? You don't deserve it." He exclaims, adamant.
     I smile sadly, running my palm over the rough leather. "But I do..." clearing my throat, I nod towards the alter. "Remove your shirt and hold tightly to both sides of the alter." I explain.
    Only pausing a moment, he does as I ask and stands shirtless, back facing me and holding on to the sturdy wood with both hands. I eye his perfect creamy skin and hate myself for giving in and marring it. But it will heal...I'll make sure of it. That's the best thing about someone like him. He'll never be like me.
     Telling him to take in a deep breath, I wait until he does before striking the whip across his skin. He forces back a scream which makes me feel horrible as I watch his knees almost buckle. He clutches the alter more securely as I watch blood bloom over the welt. Running and dripping off his beautiful skin to the dirty floor.
     Swallowing hard, I do it again. He does scream this time and I have to squeeze my eyes shut to continue.
     "Argh!" He cries brokenly, after the fifth strike, his arms give out and he slides onto the floor, drenched in his own blood.
     Self loathing fills me as I toss the hated weapon aside and kneel down in front of the sobbing boy. He flinches at first when my hand gently touches his arm but calms himself and looks up at me. "H-how man of those do you have to endure?" He gasps out, pain clear in his eyes and voice.
     I frown and stare at the whip disinterestedly. "A dozen or so. Depends on what I've done wrong. I won't touch you anymore, though. We're done." I whisper, wiping his tears.
    I tear off my own shirt and spray it with the numbing solution and alcohol I brought along and gently swipe his back, cleaning the wounds and the blood. He grunts in pain but as the numbing cream takes effect, his shoulders slump and he falls back into my arms.
     I stare into his pale face for a long time before picking him up into my arms and carrying him back to our room. It's late so no one else is out to see us. I run him a bath and help him undress and slip into the warm medicated water.
     "I'm going to go clean up. Stay in the water until I get back, okay?"
      He nods, avoiding eye contact.
     "Jimin?"
     "..."
     "I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say so I just leave him to finish cleaning up the blood. Just as I close the door to our room, I hear his muffled sobs and cries. Tears of anger and hatred burn my own eyes as I run back to the scene of the crime and I glare at the stupid whip.
     This is all my fault. I'm so fucking weak! Weak! He doesn't deserve this. He's much too good and strong for the likes of me and my issues. I grasp the whip in hand and, falling to my knees in the puddle of blood, I drag the leather ruthlessly across my back, splitting open the healing scars.
     I hit myself repeatedly until my vision dims and I can barely move or see straight. I sit silent, trying to regain strength before quickly cleaning up our now mixed blood and supplies. I slip on a black shirt before heading back to get Jimin out of the tub.
     I find him much calmer now and he even gives me a weak smile as I drain the water and hand him a towel.
      "It d-doesn't hurt much anymore." He mutters, wrapping the towel around his hips.
     "Let me put this stuff on real quick before you go to bed, okay?" I say and he nods, turning around.
     I stare guiltily at the five large streaks across his back and gently rub the medication over each one, not missing a spot.
     Afterwards he crawls into bed and I head into the bathroom myself. I scrub the leftover blood off the white tiles from Jimin before turning on the shower and carefully removing my own clothes. My now blood soaked shirt staining the pristine floor. I'll have to scrub that up later, too.
      I feel nothing as the scalding water washes the blood from my torn apart flesh. As I stand shivering under the blasting spread...Truly...I feel nothing at all.