Sinner

Yoongi

"How are you, Yoongi-ah? You look tired. How is your new roommate? Causing any problems other than the incident with your brother?"
Father Kim fires rapid questions at me as soon as I file into the small church. Sighing, I shrug. "Everything is fine. No, he's being very good. I gave him a free day today." I admit.
He eyes me for a long moment before nodding with a small smile. "I worry about you and your well being. I know this path isn't easy but I believe you can handle it. You're strong. Much stronger than you realize." He says softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I try not to flinch at the pain. Even though it's been two weeks since that...night, it still hurts. Maybe because, without Jimin's knowledge, I continue to discipline myself. Punish my weakness. I've made sure to never undress around him and have slowly started distancing myself from him.
I hate it. Hate myself. Every time I see Jimin smiling and laughing around the other boys or Hoseok...my entire mood drops and I just...feel anger. It's not right. Or fair. To anyone. Every day I think about reassigning him but just can't find it within myself to do it. My weakness.
"You seem to be struggling. This is what I'm here for, Yoongi. Please speak to me candidly." He sighs, sitting down and motioning for me to sit as well. I tug uncomfortably at my black robes. He smirks knowingly. "It takes a while to get used to wearing them. I hated them as well."
I look at him with surprise. "Really?"
He rolls his eyes. "Of course. I'm human, Yoongi. I want always a priest. It's perfectly natural to feel things and dislike things. That's human nature and just by slipping on these robes doesn't change that." He smiles kindly.
I bite my lip. "What do you feel?"
He furrows his brow, thinking. "I feel...love and pain. I feel dislike and irritation. I feel everything just the same as you."
I frown. "I don't think so...what about jealousy? Anger?" I shake my head. "No matter how hard I try, I can't make them stop."
He nods slowly, listening. "I've never asked you to repress yourself. It's not good for you."
My frown deepens. "I don't understand." Frustration clear in my voice.
He nods. "I know you don't. You don't understand because you're not ready yet. This change takes time. When the time is right...you'll get it. You'll feel the change within you and no longer feel so conflicted. Give it time." He stands, ruffling my hair.
"What are we doing today?"
He glances out the window where I can see Jimin and Hoseok laughing and holding each other. My chest twinges at the sight. I grind my teeth together.
Father Kim smiles at me. "You know, that brother of yours really cares about you. He tries to deny it but I can see his worry." He pauses, watching game the two younger boys. "Mr. Park is quite pretty isn't he?" He chuckles.
I flush. "W-what..."
He laughs. "Just stating a fact." Winking, he bows to me and disappears down the hall to his office. I stare after him, dumbfounded. He really doesn't act what I'd expect from such as him. I don't even think my appa would approve of such a joke. Thinking another boy pretty...I glance back out the window at the two. Even if it were true...Park Jimin is beautiful.
The complete opposite as me. It's ironic, really. While Jimin is all troubled darkness on the outside m, he's full of light inside. I can sense it. Where, on the other hand, I try my hardest to project lightness. Inside I can feel the darkness seeking through, however.
Every day is a struggle to hold it back. Perhaps this isn't the life for me but what choice do I have? None. None at all.

"Yoongi-ah! You're back already?"
I keep my back to Jimin as he walks into our room, wiping sweat off his forehead. "Yes. Have fun today?" I ask casually.
He chuckles and falls back on his bed. "Yep. I hung out with Hoseok and a few other boys our age." He pauses. "You don't have to worry, we weren't alone or anything." He sounds worried but I don't turn around to check.
I nod once. "I know. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Staying out of trouble." I stand up finally and force a smile at him. He frowns and slowly sits up.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
My smile widens. "Never better. I have to head out for a little while. Don't wait up." I mumble, moving to leave.
Unfortunately he darts up and blocks my path. I run into him, surprised. His hands shoot out to hold me steady. "Where are you going? You've been going out later and later lately. Is it for Father Kim or something?" He asks, brows furrowed.
Swallowing hard, I consider lying to him but that really defeats the point of us being here, doesn't it? "No. I like to go out and have some time alone. To reflect. And think." I ruffle his hair likes he's a little kid. "Nothing for you to worry about, Jimin. You should shower and go to bed." I gently move him out of my way and leave the room.
Once out in the fresh night air, I let myself breath. Really breath. I haven't felt able to in so long. I check the time on my phone and remember to set a two hour time limit to return. Once I feel ready, I begin running. Running to the only safe place I've ever been able to find. Out of the camp and to the most special place to me.
Completely unaware of the shadow trailing behind me.