Breaking Walls | ✓

Chapter 18 : S.O.S.

Faye

Lucas was already outside his house when I reached, he pulled me into a hug the minute I got out of the car, "How are you?" He asked while rubbing my back.

"Do you have a cigarette?" I asked as we pulled away.

"I thought we were done with that." he shook his head and gave me one.

"If we were, you wouldn't have one." 

"How's Reyes doing? Did they arrest Aiden?" He enquired again, while he lit my cigarette.

"I don't wanna talk about Aiden, he is exactly where he belongs," I spoke, trying to stay off the Reyes  subject, enough to not spiral, wondering how he really was. How I had left him.

I was gonna need something stronger than a cigarette to not think about that.

We walked together to the park near his house.

I sat on a swing and Lucas sat on the one next to me.

After taking a few drags I closed my eyes, squeezing it shut till I saw nothing but tiny sparkles, I spoke to no one in particular, "René is Reyes- Reyes is René, from New York, from that night. René that was the end of me. Reyes is René, the guy that I am now in love with." Accepting it for the first time. Out loud for the world to hear.

There was no backing out now. 

This was the truth.

And I couldn't believe it, but there it was staring me right in the face.

No wonder when I had kissed him the first time it had felt like a memory. A need, I hadn't addressed. 

Lucas had gotten off his swing as soon as the words had left my mouth and he now stood in front of me holding the chains of my swing in place "He- who- now?"

"Yup!" I said, my voice was brittle.

"I knew there was something off about the guy." He stated, looking right at me while I looked away from him.

"Well, now we know what." I smiled painfully.

"Did he know about..." His voice trailed off,

"No" I answered knowing what he meant by it, he wanted to know if Reyes knew who I was before coming to town. I further clarified "He seemed genuinely surprised when he found out I knew Colin." I laughed "He looked jealous even."

I took another drag while Lucas just stared at me dumbfounded. "So what now?" he walked to his swing and sat.

"I don't know anymore." I looked at him as tears welled up in my eyes, "I'm just so tired you know."

He moved closer while still on the swing and pat my head. "I know, you've had more than enough for one day, more than enough to do with one boy."

I just closed my eyes.

He knew everything, he was one to pick up the pieces after all.

We both sat silently along but we both knew what we were thinking about; The Morning after  in New York.

That morning I had woken up naked with blood on the sheets and nobody in the room. I had almost immediately put the pieces together realising that I had slept with René. It had been my first time and I didn't even remember it.

I was hungover and disoriented, my body was sore and hurting and I didn't want to move, I just wanted to dig myself a hole and never come out again. But with a throbbing head, I got off the bed and wore the first thing I could find. I then removed the covers off the bed and washed them.

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed and when the water was loud enough I shivered and howled.
I couldn't stop fucking shivering.

Then I collected myself and my things.

I decided not tell Colin, it would just complicate things unnecessarily and most of all there wasn't much to tell. I didn't feel like I was taken advantage off, I knew everything had happened consensually. The only thing that bothered me was how I didn't remember anything.

The worst part of it all was that I'd never felt more incomplete and not in the way that I had lost my virtue or something sacred or any crap like that. But in the kind of way that René was gone and even though it didn't mean anything, I wish he'd at least stayed long enough to say goodbye.

I had spent moments with him that I could never relive and that's what caused this torment.

And so I wrote a note for Colin and left it inside the book I had bought for him on the side table next to the bed with the newly spread sheets.

Dear Colin,

You made internship bearable and my time in New York memorable. I can't tell you how amazing this last month has been. You made me realise what a perfect fit, getting into publishing would be for me. I can't wait.

Thank you so much for the farewell party Colin, it was the most unforgettable party ever. I also met René yesterday, he is as bewildering as you described him to be.

Thank you for letting me stay the night, sorry I had to leave without saying Goodbye.

I am going to miss you.

You're meant for great things Colin. 

Hope to see you soon.

Love,

Kea.

The last part was a lie. 

I planned to never see Colin or René ever again.

I left the loft that I had spent every evening for the past month and last night with a guy that even though I didn't remember, I would never forget.

Even though I had no clue, I was taking with me a part of him and leaving behind a part of me. A part that would never be the same again.

I had walked to Lucas's hotel which was a ten minutes from the loft, I had needed it to clear my head.

It had bought me time to calm my mind. I was feeling a million things but I couldn't name one. I couldn't pinpoint which one was more powerful than the other.

I felt bad that I had to leave New York before bidding a proper Goodbye to Colin.

I felt awful that I was leaving without doing anything about finding René or even meeting him.

I felt worse because I knew that even if I wanted to find him all I had to do was ask Colin, I couldn't because the reason I woke up alone and not next to René clearly meant he did not want to be found.

And from all I'd heard about him, he was good at leaving.

I had been in such a hurry to get out of Colin's place that I hadn't even realised I had left wearing just a long t-shirt that hid my denim shorts and flip-flops.

Lucas was surprised to see me. He had opened the door in nothing but his boxers.

Rubbing his eyes he took my hand and checked the time on my watch, "Kea it's 10 AM, what the hell happened?" Once he was done rubbing his eyes and checking the time, he gave me a once over before pulling me inside, "Have you been crying?"

I hadn't realised how much I had been keeping inside me until he asked.

I told him all the parts I remembered hoping somehow he could put the pieces back together for me.

And yet again here I was a year later, at his door hoping he could help me.

What that night had done to me was the reason why Lucas treated me the way he did, like I was breakable- because he was the only one who had seen me broken. 

But since that summer I made sure no one else ever saw me as someone that they could ever break.

I turned to stone.

Until Reyes Wilder the reason for my destruction blew into town.

Only it took me falling in love with him to find out the truth.