Breaking Walls | ✓

Chapter 34: Dooms Day

Wilder

She walked away from the window and for a second I thought she was just going to ignore me. But then the lights in the living room in front of me switched on and she opened the front door, wide for both me and Colin to enter.

I looked around the room for the asshole but there was no sign of him.

I was glad he wasn't getting any.

Colin walked straight to the kitchen and started stuffing his face with all the contents of Kea's fridge.

She looked over at him and smiled, it was so genuine, I almost touched my heart to stop the ache.

Colin looked like a kid in a candy store. He didn't even ask for permission, he just attacked.

I ignored him, Colin was just being his usual drunk self also I was busy staring at Kea, now that I was in her house, I felt a rush of emotions. One of them being anger. Yes.

But before all that I just wanted to look at her. I mean really look at her.

I was drunk out of my mind and who was I kidding I had no dignity left so I was gonna gaze at her all I wanted for as long as I wanted.

"You said you want to talk?" She looked over at me, while I didn't realise this was the third time she was saying something to me, I was busy noticing a birthmark on her collarbone.

It was blowing my mind that I hadn't noticed it before.

I shook my head, "Um... Yeah." Clearing my throat I nodded.

"Okay, sit." She gestured to the bar stools around the counter in the kitchen.

I obeyed and sat down, she walked over to the fridge and pulled Colin by his collar and dragged him all the way around to the stool next to me. He was surprised but kept his mouth shut.

We sat there staring at her as she worked in front of us.

Soon she gave us a glass each, "Drink."

I saw the blurry colourless drink, "I thought we were gonna talk."

"We will. When you stop looking at the lemonade I just gave you like its poison."

I drank it in one go like it was a shot. If this was my one chance at getting her to actually talk I wasn't going to let anything delay it.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked over at Colin, who was still contemplating the drink and staring at me wide-eyed.

I motioned him with my head to get the fuck out and no matter how drunk he was, he actually got it.

He always got it.

He stood up, picked a jar of nutella and pickles and walked up the stairs to god know where.

I folded my hands over the table counter and leaned in, "Now. We talk."

"What do you wanna talk about? Damian? Why did I kiss you when I was gonna choose him? Why did I leave like that? Why did I do this to you?"

She was asking all the questions I had asked myself over and over again over the month but it wasn't why I was here tonight. It wasn't about all that anymore.

Because after that kiss in the balcony I knew no matter why she chose him or did shit to me, it didn't change the fact that she loved me.

Whether she admitted it or not.

Whether she liked it or not.

And so I began, "Remember.... what you said when we first went out on a date? Don't look at me like that, like you were drowning before you met me. The truth is I was Kea. I wasn't drowning I was almost dead. You saved me. I needed you and whether you accept it or not there were parts of you that needed rescuing too. So when I came here trying to get a start fresh, the first thing I saw when I entered this town was you. We were parked on the red light side by side and you were singing along to Sugar by maroon 5 and I saw you and I knew, I was a done for. The lights turned green and you drove away but for me, time stopped. I couldn't hear the car honking behind me or when he drove past me shouting. I was stuck and it was too late to follow you, that's how far behind I was... I've come to realise that when it comes to us I've always been two steps behind." I choke up, my voice raw with emotion.

She moved her head slightly, "Listen... yo..you don't have to say all this.. its... it's okay." 

But I didn't stop, I couldn't. It was now or never. I went on almost speaking to myself as I moved one hand and cupped her fist over the counter, "Look I know.. we've had a fucked up past. I know I've screwed up. But I don't want you to think I didn't come back that morning because I did, I had left to get us breakfast but by the time I came back, you were already gone and I thought maybe you didn't want anything to do with me or you were ashamed so I let it be." I saw her eyes widen with realisation, tears filling her beautiful brown eyes, her resolution breaking but I had so much to say and I needed her to hear it now. Not saying anything was the reason we were in this mess. The silence had done too much damage already.  "But I shouldn't have assumed what you felt, I should have come after you, I should have asked Colin about you. I shouldn't have stopped looking for you till I had found you. But I was so lost and broken.." It was getting harder to continue with the lump in my throat but she needed to hear this. So I closed my eyes and went on, "um... My mom had died at the beginning of that year and....s..she was my whole world Kea, when she was gone I felt like I had nothing left to live for, I just gave up. When I met you that day my dad was getting married and I was looking for an escape and when your eyes found me at that party all the bad thoughts went away. I'm not looking to make excuses here but then almost half a year later I was everything but okay till I saw you again, roaming the corridors in school. Of course, I didn't know then that you were the girl that took my pain away with just one look in New York. The one I couldn't forget until I saw you."

She shook her head,  "Don't do this Reyes. You don't owe me anything after what I've done. Not anymore." The tears kept falling long after she stopped shaking her head.

"It matters to me. That night in New York, my memories of you no matter how distorted, how fragmented, they were the only thing that gave me peace. They were the only thing that made me go to sleep Kea." I walked over to her, "I didn't remember your face from that night but I remembered you. I remembered the eyes that you have. You were the only girl that could ever light up my world like that. It matters because I can't lose you now, I've only just found you. You can't leave." I hugged her, "Please." I begged as I clutched onto her for dear life. I held her like she was sand and she was slowly slipping away.

I don't know how long we stood like that in each other's arms but throughout I couldn't shake off this feeling.. this feeling that it was too late.

When I saw her face, her eyes were bloodshot, tears falling like rain but I saw her and I knew, that's when I smiled and accepted out loud. "I've already lost you haven't I?"

I laughed, there was nothing funny about the situation but I laughed anyway.

I knew there was probably more I could do. But the truth was I loved her enough to let her go- because she wanted too. 

I just couldn't get myself to look at her, I knew what I would find in her eyes if I did.

More reasons to keep trying.

So I avoided them.

Then I did what one does when they realise they're beat.

I pulled my drunk friend up and walked back home.

____________________________

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

REYES- DO YOU HATE ME?

Nomads.vj- I know you think that but I really don't.

REYES- Well if this is what you do with people you DON'T hate I don't even want to know what you do to people you actually hate.

Nomads.vj- You have every reason to be angry.

REYES- Well, at least we agree on something. Now fix it so I can make pretty babies with Kea.

Nomads.vj- Right...