Poems.... Of Those Words Never Said

What?

   I cant even cry or move the pain is so strong.  Once again your gone I had u in my hands but like sand u seemed to melt away once again. But what do I say to you,  we are friends but I don't have you.  After all this time and I can't fix me enough to enjoy you.  To cherish the times we are together and not think of those lost.  To hold your hand and tell you words to bring redness to your cheeks.  I still love you.  I always say that and you always promise you will to.  But after a while I know your going to move on.... You said it yourself... But after that where I be... Crying in my bed alone... Lying and saying I'm okay but I feel the pain that won't go.  You see I do bad and I don't tell anyone.  I cry alone cause everytime I would cry it was for attention or weak.  And everytime I ate I got looked at for the size of my plate.  And everytime I liked a person someone got them first and they didn't want me after.  I was for pitty and that's not what I want.  I want her cause in this time I know in the lies your the person to help me laugh.  What am I supposed to say now should I tell you I get jealous cause I watched my dad slowly leave my mom.  But he would do anything to be away cause he just felt sorry and stayed for well me.  I never understand if I could be the best I try and try to be but I always feel stuck in last place.  You see I love you and I won't change anything we had for the world and I might not ever get u back... Cause you might want something else or just to be away from me.  Cause I fucked it up.  I started the fights I acted jealous cause it's all I know.  I don't understand what can be healthy and what is bad  but I know how u make me feel now that's not bad.  It helped me.. But now I'm stuck in this spot.  I don't wanna do anything but I get up and move I almost did bad things till I thought maybe I could help you maybe I could have you back but it's just a way for my heart to be sad and to try and love what's gone why can't I fix it why can't I help you see I could change i'll get better if do what ever it took to get you.  But after all this even if you don't want me I'll understand that soon maybe I won't but for now I won't take those pills and I'll not add more scars.... I just wish you loved me like I love you and if you knew how I love you well you would be amazed.  Cause no matter what I would do what's best for you why do you think I sit here and try when it kills me in the most painful way.  Why do I keep falling in love with you why can't I hate you like every one wants me to why can't I just fix my self and not have everything and everyone hate me.  Why do this why let me fall in love with someone who could leave.  Someone I can't keep forever.  And people wonder why I wanna die,  it's cause at any point I just can crumble and I hate that.... That's all I can say for now