Hold On

Chapter26

 The next morning, I had work again. I wasn't ready for it, seeing as I know I would see Ethan. He comes in every Saturday, and any other time, I would have been excited but now that I knew things are a bit different, it might be awkward. Just like it was when he held the door open, and that's definitely not how I wanted the two of us to end up. I walked through the sliding automatic doors and noticed the store was quite packed. There were a lot of people swarming around Valentine's Day section. I rolled my eyes. I had totally forgotten about Valentine's Day. The Day for lovers. Something I didn't have at the moment. I wished desperately that I would have some romantic dinner with Ethan planned, but I didn't. Instead, I had a first date planned, sometimes close by, with an alumni muscle head. Don't get me wrong, he was cute, but he was no Ethan.

Unfortunately, Gary had me restocking the candies and cutesy teddy bears on display for the fourteenth. I wrapped my hair up into a messy ponytail and immediately got to work, hoping the day will pass by fairly quickly. Before I knew it, I noticed the voluminous Locks enter the store. I could feel my stomach drop and the weaving of blood rushing to my head in nervousness. How was it possible that this could still happen? He intimidated me. He was deeply under my skin. His eyes found me, but instead of his usual walk over to me, he slightly smiled at me and made his way over to another clerk. I instantly felt tears spring to my eyes. I could feel my breathing getting shorter. Was this really it? NO! I REFUSED...

I dropped the boxes of sweetheart candy packages on the ground and turned around the corner of the aisle and saw him standing alone searching through the men's shower gels. He looked distracted like he wasn't even looking at the products. He almost looked sad. I wanted to hug him, but I don't think he'd even let me.

"Is that what it's going to be like now?" I asked as I approached him. He instantly stared up at me, looking defeated.

"I can't be around you, Clarissa," he admitted before looking away again. 

Clarissa...He called me by my full first name. It's been a while since he's called me by my full first name. I remember him saying that he first liked only calling me Clarissa because it was a woman's name, but that Claire was hella sexy too. 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He set a bottle of shower gel in his basket and grew closer to me. "I just can't. I'm torn, Claire. Not having you at all is tearing me apart, but he is what you wanted, and I'm respecting that for you. I can't be around you, because I can't control myself anymore. Please let me be." He said as he began walking beyond me.

Tears built up, "You think this is what I wanted?" I asked as I watched him turn around. "You think I'd honestly wanted to hurt you like this? I'm doing what's best for you. I'm not worth losing you the damn job over, believe me." I said saying without caving in.

"Why don't you leave that decision up to me?" He said, his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed.

I took my eyes away from his gaze, feeling insignificant. "I was only trying to pro-"

"I should be protecting you, Claire! How many times do I have to say that?" He said angrily, making me feel much worse.

"What exactly do you have to protect me from, Ethan?!" I said louder than I wanted to.

"Yourself!" He yelled back. I was taken back by his answer. Myself? What was he talking about? "You don't get it." He stopped for a moment. "You're your own worst enemy. You let things get to you, and you dwell on everything, and it just eats at you until you finally give it what it wants and fall apart. I've been trying to keep you from going there; From hitting rock bottom."

"And here I thought I was already at rock bottom," I whispered as I looked down.

"You believe that because things are hard for you right now. I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you, And I do understand what you're trying to do, but you're only hurting yourself. So, instead, I think I'll give YOU time to figure out what YOU want, and when you do, you can call me." It was as if he's looked deeply into this. I shook my head as he walked away, and I let him. I wanted to chase him. I wanted him. I needed him. He started back at me for a few moments as he got to the checkout line.