Him Or Her (TaeNie & YoonLice)

3

- Jennie

And while staring at his eyes...
A memory flashed...

"Do you like it?"
         Yoongi smiled at me.

"With that happy and genuine smile."

I smiled back at him and nodded happily.

"I love it, gummy."
         I answered while eating the food he bought for me.

We are on a restaurant, an expensive restaurant.
It is occasional for him to take me out, and it's making me feel excited every time he will.

"But..."
         I was halted on eating when I realized...

"I thought we need to budget our expenses?"
         He chuckled and gave me an understanding smile.

He is a song composer.
A writer, and he tried producing.
Or he will sell his draft of song to get us money.
His job isn't that stable.
His profit every month is not easy to budget.
If he could just let me work again.

I am a lawyer, a professional lawyer but he stopped me from working, knowing that I get stress and all. And he don't want me to get involve with crimes and so on.

"I know you love going out."
          He answered.

"Yes, but you don't have to bring me to an expensive restaurant. You can just take me to the amusement park or to a regular restaurant."
           I scowled and he chuckled again.

"I bring you out rarely, so it's fine for me to spend money for a day. Besides, it's for you, it's not a waste."
          He winked and smiled.

I really love him, I really do.
I had sacrificed my passions for him.
I stopped working because he demanded me to.
I lived with him because he wants me to be on his side.

He wants me on his side...
But he is always much putting his attention on his work, on his music.

I am not confronting him about it, because every time I will ask him about giving time for me...

He will just say, "You know this is for us too, for you."

I had sleepless nights because I am longing for him. He is just there, yet far from me. He will go on his work and will take overtime. Or he will go home early, but still, he will work for his music. Even though he is in the house, working, I still have to bear sleeping alone on the bed.

I am much seeing his ire, his stress, his depression through his work. It is peculiar, for me to see him smiling genuinely.

Sometimes, I will think of myself as a useless person, because there are times I can't make him feel better. Because he is closing his understanding on everything once he faced his job.

It is my obligation to make him feel better whenever he will feel down and stress. But he is not even talking to me once he started writing his songs.

"How can I blame my whole self...if I felt like I am a useless person to him? I know, I am wrong. I have sinned. But, I also need attention, affection, I also need a person who will be there for me, understand me, who will comfort me and a person who will be there for me when no one else was."

"What is it? Do I have a..."
         I was cut off from my reminiscing trance as Taehyung spoke and asked.

"Mm? Ah, nothing. I just got reminded of something."
         I answered.

And he just gave me out a smile.
Several moments had passed, we have eaten our orders. And as we are done, we went out and rode the car.

Minutes...
We are on the road, silence filling the car.
Only the engine is audible.

My eyes are focused outside.
Not bothering myself to give attention to the man driving the car.

"It's him."
        He suddenly stated, with a cold tone of voice.

"Mm?"
        I responded, with a tone of asking.

"Yoongi..."
         His eyes are in front, focused on the road.

"He's the one you got reminded of earlier."
         And there, he gave me a glance.

I avoided his eyes and looked in front, on the road.

"No."
        I lied.

And I heard a sigh from him.
I saw how he gripped on the steering wheel.

He got frustrated...
Mad at me remember Yoongi on that way.
And I want to scold myself internally, for behaving like that earlier.

We are together, on a date...
But the scenes are all familiar.
The way they smile.
The way how they look at me.
The way they want me to be their lady.
The way they want me to be right on their side.
And so as the way they love me.

"They are the same."

And even the way they love me...is being the same.

I can't prevent myself from remembering Yoongi, especially now, it is his death anniversary. And mostly because...what I did in the past is still haunting me, running after me.

"I am really sorry."

I am apologizing everyday...
Even though I know it is not enough.
And maybe, the way Taehyung is treating me now...
Is my punsihment.

Because he changed...
He changed a lot. From being the jolly, joyful, and that person who don't care on problems...

Now he is like Yoongi. He is treating me like him. Maybe he is still beside me, he is still there and sleeping with me, eating with me, watching TV with me...

But the way he behave, he is silent, he is not as sweet as before, he will smile occasionally. And the depression filling him in, I can no longer erase it from him.

He became like his bestfriend.

"And it was all my fault."