I woke up under the sheets of an uncomfortable bed, in an umfamiliar bed. The wallpaper and carpeting looked cheap, me guessing I was in a motel room. A cheap motel with a person that was practically a stranger. No, he was a stranger. I knew nithing but his name and appearance, not even asking his age. I guessed he was younger than me last night, probably right.
I felt used and unclean. I felt like the biggest douchebag ever. I couldn't believe I had done that with a stranger just because of alcohol. I just let him run with me to the closest, cheapest motel, being so desperate. So needy for no reason.
I just done the worst things with him, letting him use me whichever and whatever way he wanted. The sickest and most heart wrenching thing was that Caspar had already gone, the only evidence of him was the cumstains on the sheet.
I just felt so unloyal. So untrustable. How could I and why did I do it? I even felt sore, so sore and stiff. It wasn't even worth it. There was no thrill. No excitment. Just the aftermath of me being sick to the stomach because of how full of guilt I was. Dirty and untrustable. I wouldn't be able to go back to Jack just yet. I would have to try and collect myself, try and get myself together so I could try to face him and tell him, trying to save the tears until after.
Jack didn't even deserve me. I was after doing the lowest thing I could ever had done. First I let him worry about me, well I predict. He could be making out with Holly. Doing the dir- No. He wouldn't. But for some reason, I would and did. I left myself feeling guilty and shameful. Jack probably didn't even get to go to his piano show, probably getting sacked.
Oh, why? Just fucking tell me. It was impossible to not feeling so dishonest and I felt as if I was nothing more than a cheap whore now, just being won over by the slightly but of social communication, the kiss jyst forceful, me giving in.
Caspar, why did you feel you had to run? You probably felt guilty too, but you were not drunk that night, and that's fact.
You took advantage of me and-
I burst out crying, suddenly feeling the thudding ache in my head. The hangover feeling. A bullet to the brain would just do the trick.
The pain in my ass suddenly kicked in too, the dark and cold memories washing into my mind, making me feel numb and shakey.
Too rough. Just sex driven. There was no love. No kisses after the one in the alley. I felt used. But I guess, all one night stands are supposed to leave you ashamed. Unless you're a whore, which I guess Caspar was. Just full of pain and self pity, I found my fingers gnarling around the end of my forearm, just squeezing tighter and tighter until there was a red most, the nails dents in my skin. Bruises were sure to come.
I just stood up, even though my knees were probably just going to give way. I walked into the shitty en suite, looking at my reflection.
I looked as if I was so fucked up, as I mixed cocaine and heroin with my alcohol, draining all the colour from my face. My teeth were tinged yellow from lack of oral hygiene, the taste of stale beer and cum in my mouth, making me feel even more unclean and dirty. My hair, famous for my 'perfect' sex hair as Jack did say, looked a mess, making me feel even sluttier. God, every thing about my apperance just made me think of the one night stand. The stupid and pointless one night stand with a young stranger.
I felt a lump in my throat, and then I was suddenly hurling and spewing my guts out. Every gag and cough made me throw up even more, making my throat sore. The bitter taste in my mouth jyst made me want to be sick. A visious cycle happened for a while.
---
I hadn't slept a wink last night, me looking zombie like with my face drained off colour and dark circles under my eyes. I refused to eat food, just letting my stomach constantly growl, my body begging for the nurishment. But I felt if I ate the smallest thing, I would just barf it up, not able to keep anything down.
Alex had been gone all of last night, all morning and all afternoon. He had forgot his cellphone, so cintacting him was out of the picture.
I could see the sun slowly go down, every secind passing making my heart go up my throat the little bit more.
"J-Jack?" I heard his sweet but muffled voice, him outside the window, knocking on it and waving to me. He looked terrible. Sick and just fucked. I ran to the door, running outside into the cool spring air with open airs, just wrapping them around him as if I was never going to let him go.
"St-Stop, Jack," Alex whispered, his voice close to breaking. A single tear spilt down his cheek, me raising up, letting my finger wipe it away.
"What's wrong, baby?" I said, seeing him flinch at what I called him, him beckoning away from me, closing his eyes tight.
"Jack. You will hate me," he croaked. His eyes suddenly opening wide, his brown eyes looking black. Dead and lifeless. "I had sex with another guy. I'm so sorry."
Alex had sex with another guy? No. It couldn't be. He loved me. I cherished every moment I had with him. Suddenly, suicidal thoughts and physcotic thoughts filled my mind.
If he wasn't mine; kill myself carefully and slowly.
If he loves me; tear up the other guy limb by limb and let him die painfully. Slowly.
"I was drunk, Jack. He just used me and got out. I've been crying constant since this morning, just hoping all of it was just some twisted nightmare where I would actually stoop so low."
"I-I don't know what to say," I said quietly, backjng away from him.
He cheated on me. That definately wasn't right. Should I believe him, or be strong and coward away from, tell him to get out of my life.
But I didn't want him gone. I just wanted what he said to be a sick joke, even though the joke would leave stings and tear stains in our relationship.
"Alex, why?" I murmured, him just sighing and shaking his head. I couldn't help but but feel sorry for him, want to cuddle him, but it felt weak. I had to be strong I had to-
"Come here," I said, arms open awkwardly as he walked over to me, letting me hold him, letting his tears fall freely.
"Alex, I need you to go away for a while. So I can think of my decision alone," I mumbled, him nodding in acceptance, probably knowing I wouldn't want him.
But I did. I just couldn't have him here. Every day, just thinking, he has waited for so to be be with me and throws it away just for a one night stand. It was too vivid in my mind for comfort, me trying to pull out of the hug, push him away. But he wouldn't budge. Or maybe I was being too gentle.
"Go," I said sternly, his arms falling limply to his sides, a frail quiver on his lips.
"Goodbye," I said.
"Hopefully, just for now," he whispered as quiet as he could as he turned in his heels, shoving his hands into his pockets. He walked off to where ever it was he was going.
I had let him go.
I felt my heart break into millions of billions of pieces.
