I woke as soon as the sun rose, the stinge in my eyes as I had probably cried at some point during my nightmares, Alex for some reason flung across my bed under the sheets, his leg just barely brushing off of mine. I was confused. Why was he here? I went into my bedroom alone. He had probably snuck in, thinking I wouldn't know.
"Alex?" I croaked, his instantly shuffling into a sitting position, his legs crossed and his arms loosely wrapped around himself, the dark circles under his eyes and his face shadow by his hood, the tears just barely noticable. The water just stained his cheeks in a strange type of perfection, his looking so abnormal. So broken and torn.
"Why were you screaming last night, Jack? What were your dreams about?" Alex whispered, his lip quivering as I got up, sitting just on the edge, not able to look at the person much longer.
"Dreams. Thoughts. Memories filled of sadness and happiness. Sick happiness," I breathed, waiting for to ask on, him seemingly careful with the few moments that followed, barely breathing, just shallow quick breaths. I had to turn in his direction once more, me feeling so stiff as I say him just looking at my scar, tracing over his own.
"About what?" Alex asked, his brown eyes glancing into mine, dropping once I caught his stare.
"Alex. I came back for no other reason than to say I'm sorry. But, I just felt that I just had to leave, be able to clear my head, get rid of the eerie feelings. I just had to get away from the normality, the too familiar feeling, the memories that just claw in my brain, the things that I keep on being reminded of each moment I look at you," I said softly, letting my fingers carefully trail over to his hands, just closening myself to him.
"You are the only person who has always seemed to care, even in times where I just hate every thought that's in my brain, you sharing your own memoirs with me. I just feel like it was a mistake to let you go, for you went like this," I said, my finger carefully prodding at one of the stars, his wincing slightly.
"I never feel right without you, Jack. I just don't want us to be so broken. But it's too hard," he cried in a hushed voice, his eyes just so like shards of glass, breaking the tiniest bit more at each word. Each moment.
"Alex, I know we can't have complete serenity together, us just consumed by ideas of bad things, but I just can't feel like it is just the worst thing to let you go, even if it may be the best thing for me. I have been thinking of you for the past few months constant. I was on the streets, Alex. I was close to coming back, but the itch under my skin was whispering unconvincing words, telling me you didn't want me, that I could never go back. So I stayed, somehow getting a break, finally having enough of clear head and letting myself think so much that I need only you. I can't leave you behind anymore. Even when were not perfect, it still is to me."
"Jack," Alex whispered, his eyes closing as his eyebrows furrowed. "I have cried so much. I have hurt so much. I have expressed myself so much through this," he said, pointing at his artistic scars, "I have never loved anyone apart from you, but I am just stubborn, okay? I acted like I dudn't appreciate you being back, hurting that bit more for how stupid I was being. I love you, Jack," he said, opening his eyes, "but I just feel so wrong right now. Not able for this. Take it slow, cross out the past and start fresh, but I don't need the commitment right now. I can't have you."
"Alex, don't do this to me," I whispered, feeling the single tear spill down my cheek, him just shaking his head slightly.
"Don't be selfish. I just can't. I physically and mentally can't deal with this love any more. I'm done," Alex said, standing up from the bed, walking to the door frame.
"Alex, I am not going to take that. I need you to just trust me. I love you. You love me. What's so wrong with you letting you express your own feelings, feel love?"
"Jack, I don't need you to do this. Just leave me and let it be that. You are prefectly capable of living without me, so just go," he said, slowly walking over to his door.
"No," I huffed, standing up and running over to him, grabbing him by the wrists, the tears blurring so much of my vision. "You can't, and you won't let me go. Too much time has been spent on thinkimg of us together. Alex, you made me relize I love you so deeply and entirely. Why is it your denying that you don't want me when you are the one who fell inlove?"
"Jack, I do love you. I just can't. You have actually loved me longer, I just kind of gave you the heads up. Jack, please. This is for the best."
"I'm sorry, but I can't take no for an answer," I whispered, letting my grip loosen, him slipping his hands out of mine.
"Why were you in my bed this morning anyway?" I asked, him just freezing. I heard him just mumble words, but was unable to make them out. "Well?"
He spun on his heels, his lips just carefully planting on mine, his hands carefully holding onto the back of my neck, his nails digging in slightly.
It was just instant reaction that I pulled his legs around my waist, him not fighting to say no as I dropped him on his bed, not breaking the kiss for one moment. Ecstasy in each movement, his hands lowered and he started to go wild under my shirt, tapping his fingers in a rhythm.
It felt so familiar to have him in this type of way, even though it was so long since he had let me just kiss him as if it was the only choice I had.
His lips parted slightly as I slid my tongue in, exploring his taste and feeling his little nips. His hips rolled into mine more than I could count, him just instantly ready.
"Jack," he whispered as he gasped just after, his eyes wide open and him throwing me off of him, him suddenly so afraid, his arms just wrapping around himself.
"I'm sorry. I can't do it. Jack, I can't let you see the damage," he just said in a rush, me shaking my head, my hands just taking hold of his.
"Alex, don't care about it. I love you for you. I want to just love you, let you know," I said, him nodding as he bit his lip, me just carefully kissing him as we were sitting, not bothering to grab each other or romp each other.
He soon calmed, his breaths getting heavier, his hands crawling under my shirt and up and down my sides. I took hold of the hem of his hoodie, carefully seperating our lips for a few moments as I pulled the hoodie up his torso, off his arms and up off his head, him laying down as I just stared at the blood stains on the white tee shirt he had on. I raised the fabric off his torso, just staring at all the little designs cut into his skin, lowering my lips to each and every cut or scar, not minding the occasional taste of blood.
"You're beautiful to me no matter what," I said after each one, his just shaking his head, a small laugh out of his lips.
"I'm not. I've ruined myself. I was so fucking gorgous before the razors though," he said, half heartedly, me just raising up, moving to the scars on his arms, kissing each one.
"You are beautiful. Don't you dare say you aren't. And you're always gorgous," I said, finished apart for one more.
"I love you JBB," I murmured, just looking into his eyes, not even noticing how quick it was for him to meet my lips, him licking carefully, letting his tongue in. His hands cupped my face carefully, me fiddling with the shirt buttons, sliding the shirt off of my shoulders, my arms out then wrapped around Alex once more.
"Every second, every day. I love you. Don't forget it," I whispered, him nodding with closed eyes, kissing me a bit selfishly. His tongue darted around once more as soon as I finished my words, me flipping myself over, letting him take off his shirt.
"This is just so strange, y'know?" Alex said as he staddled me.
"What's strange?"
"How you can make me change my mind so easily," he said with a smirk, dropping his lips on mine, grinding into my crotch.
"I'm just brilliant, aren't I?" I said, him shaking his head, a little 'nope' out of his lips.
"I love you," I said, him raising up a bit so he could look into my eyes.
"I love you," he said before kissing me once more, him getting off me as soon as his lips left mine.
"Tease," I said, getting up from his bed, following him out his door and down the stairs.
