He was still asleep. Still limp on the hospital bed. Bandages were wrapped tightly around his arm and a drip with blood put into him. Dear God, I felt as if my heart was being torn out just looking at the frail creature, Jack. He looked as still as he could ever be. His mouth was barely open as he took the shallow breaths.
My legs were shakey as I walked over to the fold out chair, sitting down and just letting the tears spill, my sobs fighting to break my throat. He looked dead. Pale skinned from all the blood he had lost. Him so small looking, him curled into a little ball, just one hand peeping out from the covers.
God, he looked terrible.
"Why, Jack?" I whispered, feeling the croak. I let out a shakey sigh when there was the expected no responce. I sat up, unable to watch him.
I couldn't just sit and watch his frail body, I couldn't watch him die. I stood up and went running down the corridor, multiple nurses just looking but not doing anything productive. They just stared at me, making me feel as if holes were burning into me, the daggers slowly letting themselves dig in.
I couldn't do anything stupid. Yet.
---
"... Jack," I heard, and them a round of footsteps as the door closed slightly, a gush of air. I tried so hard to open my eyes. But they wouldn't. My lips wouldn't part. My fingers wouldn't uncurl. My whole felt as if it was reluctant to listen to my brain, to me. Maybe me body had been taken over, my brain just left to go dead.
"Hmmph," I growled, hearing nothing but the footsteps of the nurses and doctors.
"Helphff mehh," I tried to say words through my gritted teeth and closed lips, but that was all that came out. Was I broken mentally or something? My whole body would not listen to my thoughts, my instructions, just staying completely still.
I tried to scream, only soft whimpers coming out muffled.
"Helphff," I said, my lip parting slightly. "Helphff!"
My lungs felt as if they would brake for how loud I screamed. Or how loud I had thought I screamed. I felt my eyes open lazily as I heard footsteps.
My eyes rolled back as soon as I saw what I though was Alex. I wanted to see him once more. But my eyelids wouldn't raise. My eyes wouldn't unroll.
I felt my stomach churn as I felt his fingers gnarl around my wrists carefully, shaking me slightly.
"Jack. Wake up for me. Please," he sobbed, his voice just broken. My eyes felt stinging, tears prickling and threatening to fall. I couldn't listen. I didn't know how to move or wake up. I didn't know how to just open my eyes to see if he was alright, the amount of sobs that came from him making me think otherwise.
"Aleph," I tried. Him suddenly stopping, well at least slowing, his shaking.
"What, Jack?" he whispered, his breath now noticable to be hitting off my forehead. He threw his arms over me shoulders, hands around my neck.
"Alex," I whispered, but I was fully numb. The feel of Alex's arms on me went quickly without him even moving. His muffled words soon faded i to nonsence. I felt so weak. I just needed to sleep, even if it could possibly be forever.
I just felt a few words slip out of my lips before I blacked out once more. "I love you," I whispered, not even hearing myself. I was gone once more into the feeling of nothingness. It felt strange to be back to nothingness after the minute or so of having my sences. It felt untimed, just so random and spontanious. It felt as if I was going to die, like the last time.
But maybe I wouldn't, because it was the last thing I was going to do. I was going to stay so I could tell Alex I forgave him, tell him I love him so many times.
I needed to live. I needed Alex.
If I live, I was going to ask him to marry me. We had known each other for years. We know each other so well. It doesn't matter at all to me if we've been together for two months. Heck, I wouldn't care if we had been together a day. We've been through so much. He's always been there and has always cared. It didn't matter how much time we were actually a couple.
I had loved him for years and he made me realise it.
I love Alex Gaskarth and I needed to ask him to marry me if it was the last thing I would ever do. Just that one thing.
No more. Not one thing more.
