I didn't want to stay away, I have never wanted to stay away. Every breath he took, I wanted to witness and every second passed so slow as I waited for an idea, a solution. Alex had said he didn't want me to stay, he had actually said it. I hadn't been so blunt with what I wanted, I told him to go, but not that I didn't want him. I loved him and always will. It's impossible how it seems my happiness is so scarce, even if I seem happy with Alex. Maybe he just hides the cracks in my heart, my glass heart soon to crack the next bit and give up entirely. I just wanted him to know I'm not stable as a person, and he probably knew that in some tense. I don't know why I kissed Stella back, a bad mix of alcohol and lack of physical comforts, for I couldn't stand a day or two of Alex being physically and mentally revolted by my slightest touch, me just wanting to comfort him in his time of need so bad, a bit selfishly, I must admit.
I didn't know if he actually cared about me in this moment, for I was here, sat down in a dark alley way in the early morning, my teeth chattered for the cold air biting at my skin. I don't know how much time past, but my fingers grew numb and my lips grew cold, a most probable blue tinge. I just wish the warm spring air would come, the sun warm me up so I wouldn't be suffering out here, me not able to sence any feeling in my weak body, my arms just wrapping around my knees.
I felt so strangely alone, so abnormally alone. I hadn't ever felt so away from everything, the airs probably taking my hope away.
I was alone, just a few people walking past the alley but not taking much if any attention to me. I didn't know if I was crying, I just could feel an annoying burn in my throat, something just itching the claws from the inside, sobs just barely escaping.
"Jack?" I heard a muffled voice, my head just turning in the direction of a blurry figure, my eyes lazily trying to focus as I guessed tears were blocking my view.
"Are you okay?" the figure asked, coming closer, suddenly pulling me up. "Jack, it's me, Zack," he said when I didn't really respond. He pulled off his jacket, leaving him in just a tank top, wrapping it around me before pulling me up to my feet. I swayed slightly as I suddenly felt as gravity had given way, but soon felt my balance return as my vision cleared, and my hand was grabbed by Zack as he practically dragged me up the street, into an unfamiliar building, the aroma of coffee beans and cinnimon filling the air. He sat me down at a booth, me huddling up against the wall, my head just spinning but no thoughts flying through.
"Jack, what were you doing out there? How long?" Zack asked, his eyes pleading and his hands balled up on the table.
"Threw m-me out. Was cold," I whispered, my mind not able to funtion well, my brain frozen.
"Alex threw you out? Why?"
"Kissed g-girl. Him not like it," I said, feeling my breath grow shakey as my hands shook.
Zack had raised his eyebrow, his mouth slightly open as if he was to say something but no words came out.
"Home," I whispered, my eyes feeling glassy as the water sheened them once more, "Alex. Home."
"I'll bring to your house," he said, saying the word 'your' a bit louder. What did he know about it being mine or Alex's? Well, actually, it had been me that bought the house. Maybe. My mush brain couldn't think.
Soon I was walking beside Zack with a card board coffee cup in my hands, the numb feeling fading and my body warming up. Alex and I's cars were still parked in the driveway, the door wide open.
My legs suddenly went sprinting in and upstairs, seeing Alex's sheets all rolled up, new tearstains but no Alex. Where was he? Maybe he was looking for me? Maybe he was just in the bathroom.. But his tearstains were fresh, telling me, where ever he was, he wasn't long gone there.
I felt the breeze escape in the slightly ajar window, me sitting down on the bed as I just waited. Waited for anything.
Zack walked into the door frame, his eyes on me.
"Where's Alex?" he asked, as if it was plain as day that I would see Alex, when in reality, he was gone and he knew it. I just shook my head, standing up and pushing through him, into my room and locking the door.
"Jack!" he said, his fists banging at the door.
"Just let me wait. He will come back at some point," I said, lying down on my bed and letting myself tangle in the sheets.
My mind was blank, my eyes just stuck on staring at the wall. But I felt, in the back of my mind, there was something I needed to do, just in case.
I stood up and walked slowly over to my desk, grabbing a pen and a sheet of paper.
'Dear Alex,
First of all, if I do end up going into a state of depression or being obsessed with the idea of death, it will never be your fault. I just am such an unstable person, my mother's death shaking me up so much as a kid that I have turned into a strange and over loyal person. I am way too dependent on you, and you only. I have to be my own person, live as an individual so I can learn I don't need just you to be happy. I am sorry if this hurts you, that I must go, I feel that you may need this too. You need to live your life and not rush into so many new things. Explore yourself and go across the world just to find out who you are, who you really want to be. Just remember, I will always love you, but being happy with you at this present time is just a daydream away. It may not be a realistic wish.
From, your one and only,
Jack Bassam Barakat'
Once I wrote down the last line, I folded the sheet four times then popped it into my pencil jar, just keeping it for if a moment occured that I needed it, for I knew it was probably what I needed, but first I was going to try to make it work with Alex, if he did return.
I just stared at the blank walls as I heard Zack's footsteps as he pondered around the hall, me guessing he wasn't leaving. It didn't matter much anyway. I just lazed back to my bed, playing with my fingers as I hummed a tune.
"Forgive me I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night," I hummed, but I couldn't think of much else. Oh well, it wasn't like it was ever going to matter.
I let myself drift into a restless sleep, tossing and turning as my dreams were filled with my strange thoughts and crazy hopes and dreams.
And dreams of my mother. Sad, hopeless dreams.
'Forgive me,' I heard a whisper, not sure if it was real or not, but I stay asleep not bothered to care to open my eyes, the feminine voice just a lullaby to send me back to good dreams.
Good dreams which would have sad conclusions if they don't come true. I couldn't win in even my dream world, for it was either depressing, making me glad to get away once I wake, but still they would linger in my thoughts. But happy or romantic dreams, I would hate to of woke, just in the past few days I have been waking up crying, dreams of me and Alex just happy entering my mind.
How could life be like this though? Just fine and normal with Alex one minute and then the whole world crumbling down at my feet. I know it isn't right, but few reasons do I have to not disagree with my letter. Alex needed me gone. Everything I love goes against me someday, or just ends up losing themselves. Alex will either be dead inside, sick of how much drama I will always cause or either just leaving with no words, happy to get rid of me.
How was it that perfect dreams are worse than heart breaking nightmares?
