Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday just went in a blur. I just remember walking around town with the same thoughts reeling through my head.
I needed Alex back. He was forced to live in a shitty one bedroom apartment while I thought over the same things over and over. Constantly just trying to find any bad, or any good.
Alex had cheated on me. I had to take that into consideration. But maybe the hostility of the enviroment when Holly was just flinging the nasty comments at him like it was nothing made me feel shitty. I didn't want Alex to stay away, but I didn't want him to come home either.
I don't know why I was like that, taking advantage of the moment, taking as much time and letting the space grow more and more.
In my normal humour, I would be itching to spead every moment with him. But maybe I just needed to start having my space. I spent every moment with him, never without him.
I could only see Alex sad face when I practically kicked him out. But I just wanted to change that into the biggest smile he could ever wear.
I just wish it was as easy and carefree as it was when we were just teenagers. Yeah, I was totally suicidal, the deathly thoughts creeping back, but I didn't have to deal with the pressures of the world. I didn't have to clean up every single piece of broken glass, try put the pieces back. It was all done for me.
Everything was just handed to me.
My mother, she never spoilt me. She only did so on my birthday and Christmas, her determained to be a good mother, not snobby and pish posh like my dad turned out to be.
Life was just pieces of frail string, every end loose.
"Psst," a voice said, it coming from an alley way.
A guy was standing there shiftily, a back pack on his back, hands on his pocket with his foot on the wall. His longish hair drooped over his face, not showing his eyes, but a shadey smile, lile bared wire, it cutting into you. Expecting it but it still being painful.
"You look a bit down," a husky voice asked, me walking down the alley way a bit more. The guy was probably just fresh out of high school, or maybe even kicked out. His blonde hair was shoulder length, his face leaning up to look at me with a druggy's smile, showing off a set of stained teeth. He revealed a pair of baby blue eyes, multiple piercings all over his face and ears.
"Want some, man? It'll make you happy," he said, carefully showing me a bag full of herbs. Weed, whatever you want to call it.
"Will it?" I asked, looking the guy up and down, then letting my eyes shift from left to right.
"It'll just make you peace out. Make you feel weightless," the guy said, sounding as if he was high himself.
"Anything stronger?" I asked, a devious smile growing over his face.
"Coke," he said, pulling out the next bag out more carefully, it full of pills.
"Price?"
I ended up practically running home. I was honestly afraid. Opening the bag, just looking the pills up and down. A sick smile grew on my face as I thought of what I could do.
I could overdose. Mixing them with pure vodka would just kill me. It sounding way too more appealing than it should of. Overdose then blackout. Then end. Bye bye, Barakat.
But I wanted it slow, so I'd know what I was doing. Feel the stabbing pain of a blade cutting through the veins of my arm. But for some reason, I kept these just imagines. There was only one thing making me hesitant to actually do so.
Alex.
But I couldn't take him back. I couldn't. He cheated on me. I couldn't bring myself to say he was forgiven, because he sure wasn't. He cheated, acted like a dirty slut for a complete stranger. It was vile.
I took a deep breath, finding myself a few seconds later with the knife in my hand, soon dropped down on the table. I quickly shrugged my leather jacket off, tracing the bruises.
"These need to be gone," I said softly to myself. "They need to ne less noticable."
I grabbed the knife, quickly letting it slice small cuts into my forearm, not to deep. Yet. I started cutting chunks of skin out, muscle and all. I should of been howling in pain, but I just hummed at the stinging sensation, the sight of blood just making my heart flutter but my stomach churn at my sickly heart.
Stabs, little careful stabs. Drawing things into my skin even. Writing 'I Love You' and 'AWG' just writing what came to mind. The tears started to fall, the stings starting to hurt as I cut deeper, finally finding a main vain, hesitant to if I should cut it into two strings.
I just stared at my ruined arm, bruised and cut, my eyes widened as I relized how mortified I was of myself.
"No," I whispered, putting my bloody hands to my face as the tears gushed. My eyes unknowingly, blurred by tears, just seeing : 'I love you AWG' and that was all the motivation I needed. I had to go on, stop judging him. He loved me, I loved him and we needed each other. All the bruises, cuts and pinches I gave myself would never match the pain of whst it would feel like to loose him.
Loose Alex. It would be too much. I'd regret it.
But the sickly smile returned, my body not in my control. Grabbing the knife, I cut the vain, the black and red blood gushing out as my eyes rolled into the back of my head, no drugs or alcohol needed to quicken my feeling that I was going to die. Sad and alone.
But I can't let this monster fight. It wasn't me who cut the vain, who liked the bittersweet stabs and twists of the knife. It was the suicidal little kid. I don't want to be like him anymore.
But what if it's too late? My mouth moved the tiniest bit, my words murmured, my body and mind failing me and going unconcious.
My words?
They could only be 'I'm your's even if I'm gone.'
I'd be his angel if I left this earth. I would try my best to give him wings to feel as if he were thousands of feet off the ground.
If I did let go, I would at least fight. Defeat was the last choice.
"Jack..." I heard, not knowing who it was. Black. Everything went black.
