Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. Every moment was dull with him not being around, me letting go nearly entirely. I didn't know where he had gone in that dreary March morning, me losing all hope that he'd ever return.
It was nearing the end of June, his birthday coming up. I haven't ever missed his birthday. I always gave him things and let him watch Home Alone until he got sick of it for the night. But I was afraid that I might break my streak, him gone so long, a birthday coming and all.
I hadn't been eating much, and If I was, it would only be bland, unnutrious foods, me finding I couldn't touch or keep down most things nowadays. How long has it been since I've had a proper home cooked dinner? Too long.
How many months, weeks or days until Jack would miraculously decided to return for whatever wacky reason.
I flicked the switch of the raidio, the man talking about music 'news'.
"New to the music bizz, Jack Barakat of just twenty years old has such a moving story of how he got to make his debut single, 'A Daydream Away'. He is here, live in Califonia to share his story," the too happy raidio man said, my mouth opening and closing. Was it my Jack? It could be another Jack but Barakat seemed like quite a rare name.
"When I was a young teenager, I turned to music and my best friend, Alex Gaskarth, to help with all my troubles, my mother passing away when I was too young. It made me unstable as a person, suicidal. I could be six feet under the dirt now, but I was so lucky that two attempts couldn't take me. Once I got out of a complicated relationship, I moved to Cali to try and live my dream, finding that playing my guitar was the one thing that made me truely happy. It all happened so quickly, almost instantly the demo being accepted and finally able to reach out to people, share my music with hidden stories. I can't believe this has all happened in such a few short months, it being so surprising and exciting." It was definately Jack's voice on the raidio, my heart sinking low into the depths of my chest as I thought, he's not coming back, is he?
"So are you going to play us your debut single?" the man on the raidio asked, me hearing an amused laugh that probably went with a small and light smile.
"Come back," I whispered, feeling a tear drop down my cheek, the feeling getting a bit too familiar for my comfort.
"After this ad break."
I felt the sobs ripping out of my throat, the unnesasarily long adverts on, a seemingly long three minutes dragging by before I heard a few strums before he started to speak.
"This is dedicated to you. You know who you are," he said softly, a small but sad smile placed over my lips.
'Wish you could see your face right now
'Cause you're grinning like a fool.
And we're sitting on your kitchen floor
On a Tuesday afternoon.
Doesn't matter when we get back
To doing what we do.
'Cause right now could last forever
As long as I'm with you.
You're just a daydream away.
Don't know what I'd say if I had you.
And I'll keep you a daydream away,
Watch from a safe place so I never have to lose.'
I couldn't bear to hear anymore of his song, not even about for the volume of my wails, a buzz going through my head as I could only see the blur, so many tears and so many wants.
Who much longer would I have to wait? I didn't even have to, just find out where he was and get the fuck over. But he wants me to stay a figment, not a real love, just one he can keep in his head. He wants to be his own person and let me explore everywhere, but I could only imagine of doing that with Jack. His face was never fading in my memory, his letter's words printed into my mind, nearly able to recite it off by heart. He was living a Hollywood star dream now, him my only dream, daydream and fantasy.
I could bear him gone, every second slower than the last. Three months without him. Three months without his kisses. Three months with his voice. Three months without saying I love you.
Just let him back, I would of done anything, anything I tell you. I just needed him back and here and nowhere else. Just let him be back home with my heart, stop the cracks from forming.
"If you want to call or text to request for Jack to play another song, he'll be here until he has to catch his flight. Get calling and text-" I flicked the switch, running upstairs to let myself cry a bit more in the comfort of my bedroom.
Tears, tear stains. My nails roughly pinched at the skin on my forearm, feeling the few cuts I had recently made, my self just letting me sink, but not enough to be consumed by the deadly waters and strong waves. I just started to resort to the cutting, it all too much. Of course, the few times I go out and the old time every week or two when Rian, Matt or Zack came over, I felt as if I was being looked up and down, feeling as if it was possible to see the cuts under my heavy jumper. I had lost my job from lack of attendance, my dad getting pissed and cutting down the amount of money he gave me.
"Jack," I whispered, my lip quivering as I closed my eyes, feeling that my lack sleep was catching up on me, me falling asleep nearly instantly. Alone just wondering what he was up to, if he was happy or in the dumps behind the strong exterier.
Restless sleeps have been a bit of a problem since I end up going to sleep at night alone.
Sleeping alone was never comforting, the time just passing as quickly as it could so I would be stuck to stay awake thinking 'Where did the time go?'
I just needed him back in my arms and close to my heart. Slipping more away each day, I was, fearing the worst if every day stuck the same.
