"Jack, why have you asked so early on?" Alex said as he started playing with the ring on his finger.
"Alex, we know each other so well as people. We have been friends since middle school. I just know, once you let me know, that I have loved you much longer than it has seemed. There was always those little clues. I never really had good relationships with girls, not really bothered with them. During high school, I would always be around you, depending on you, trusting you. I think I started to love you once you first showed that you actually cared for me when we were just thirteen and fourteen. Once my suicide attempt had gone through the second time, once I was able to wake and think, I just wanted to ask you to marry me, want you to just love me as much as I do you. I am afraid though," I said, feeling prickle in the corners of my eyes. "I'm afraid I'll go that way again. Afraid I try again, Alex. I want to know you'll always be there because I'm constantly on the edge, sad for no reason. I just can't let go, Alex. I just can't."
I felt a single tear drop from my eye. I hoped he knew what I meant. I hoped.
"Jack, you can't let yourself just become suicidal over your mother's death. You'll just be another chapter, unread, never gonna be finished. You can't just get consumed by that. Your mom wouldn't want you to take your life," Alex said, his breaths beginning to grow short and sharp.
"Her life was taken. Her death was untimely. I was only eight and I had to lose the only person that really understood me from the start. That loved me from the start. There is so much you don't know Alex," I said, closing my eyes as the tears fell, my jaw clenching. I could trust him, why wouldn't I?
"What do you mean, Jack?" Alex asked.
"Wanna know why I became suicidal? Like the real reason? My father decided to tell me when I was thirteen, during a stupid argument, that he had wanted me aborted!" I yelled, not meaning to raise my voice so much at him. "He told me he didn't want me. That's why he wouldn't talk to me. I never fully forgave him, no matter how many emotionless sorrys he said. My own father didn't want me. But my mother did."
Alex's face was all twisted up.
"Why are you suddenly telling me this, Jack? Why couldn't you of told me sooner?" Alex asked in a squeak.
"I had no reason to," I murmured.
"Jack," he sobbed, wrapping his arms around me. It was actually annoying me, which was so out of character for me. I would usually comfort him when he cried, but I couldn't help but push him away, me leaping up from the bed in a huff, grabbing a pile of clothes, dressing as I walked out, leaving Alex shocked and confused.
I was so bipolar. Why was it that I had been so happy being accepted my proposal one moment and then telling Alex my depressing life story the next?
My life was just totally fucked up and it didn't seem to be getting much better. I know I seem so pesimistic. I know I have Alex who I say I would die without. But I always think my life is shitty, which in reality, it is and was. It was just a trainwreck, perfect moment getting ruined by sudden occurances.
My finding of my favourite movie. My mother dies.
Having my first holiday away with Alex. Gets in the hospital and was in a coma.
Gets a job finally. Get fucked up because Holly decides to show up.
My perfect relationship with Alex ruined by him cheating, leading for me to be allowed to be alone with all my sick little thoughts, me commiting suicide. But I didn't die. I wished so many times that each time that I did die, but when I don't I'm so glad in the moment that I didn't.
I don't even have much to live for. All I have is Alex, and I just treated him like shit there. I'm just a bipolar asshole.
I just wished I could erase every bad thing from my life so I could actually be totally happy like I once was. When I was a child and death was alien to me.
