Rian had, at some point of the day, came over to keep Zack company, for I wouldn't leave my room. It was always nice to be alone at times like this, but of course, my mind being so full of dark thoughts, I get a chance to think. I didn't want company, but when I was younger, I was probably silently begging for attention from my father, indirectly saying so. But, of course, past is past and I didn't get the attention until my low point.
I don't know how much time had flown by, but it was probably hours for the sun was setting, the sky a nice mix of lilac and scarce orange just fading into it. As the sun went down, so did my hopes. Where was Alex? He was coming back, right? He could be anywhere in this town, but I wasn't leaving for I didn't want him to think I was so eager for him to be back, like I was so wanting to. I was wondering why it was so quiet, Rian and Zack's murmurs fading into nothing, the buzz of the television the only thing hearable.
Had they ran out of conversation or..
I don't know why the idea of them two being together disgusted me the slightest bit right now. Maybe it was because they could be making out on my couch. The first place me and Alex had a sexual experiance.
A sudden smile came to my face. I don't know why everything to do with Alex and about Alex made me so happy. He was just a human. He wasn't phanomanal as I have learned. He has his flaws, his inner scars, his stories to be told like anyone else.
He wasn't perfect, but it might be better that I know that. He may be the closest thing in my heart, for perfect is probably nonexistant.
His hands, his small torso, his long legs and his cute face. I just wish he were back. I would give up these past few months just to have him just my friend again, even if it pained me.
But that'd be impossible, of course it would. Past is past. Alex was the one that admitted it to me. He suffered because of my lack of notice. But I felt guilty for the harm I cause him. I would of been so much careful. But I don't know. Did I learn to love him or just relize?
Well, I did just think he was everything, the only thing. He was the stars in the clear night sky. But I sometimes just wish we could of just stuck as friends, Alex not be gay so I would waste my life having unsatifying relationships with random girls. Stella the most probable next.
"Let me go!" I heard a guy shout, the familiar voice of Alex whisping through my ears. I unlocked the door, getting down on my knees and being as careful as I could not to be seen as I peeked down the stairs.
Alex was crying, shaking. Hysterical.
"Why did you bring me back here? I need to find Jack. I have been looking all day," Alex sobbed, trying to squirm out of Rian and Zack's tight grip.
" You threw him out! You done a hell of a lot worse, Alex. Why're are you pissed drunk lying on the side of the road if you were looking for Jack?" Zack spat, Alex wincing a bit at the memories.
"He kissed a girl, Zack. He kissed a girl who I hate. He loves me, I know he does. But he threw me out for my drunken mistake, so I supposed he would want me to do the same," Alex murmured, Rian and Zack loosening their grip.
"You slept with a druggie. That's low," Rian said.
"I know, but I didn't mean to. I was pissed drunk. It was Hollie that cause me to go. She told me to get out and insulted me so much. She told me Jack was only going to be her's but for some idiotic reason, I believed her. I guess it lingered in my mind as I drank even more," Alex said, his face blank as he sat down on the couch.
"That doesn't give you any reason, Alex. He loves you. He trusts you. He needs you a lot more than you may understand," Zack said, Alex nodding as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"I know he loves me. I love him too much. He had forgiven me but I don't know why I couldn't just let him stay, not feeling strong if I did the oppisite of what I actually did," Alex said, turning his head in the direction of the stairway, me instantly falling back, hoping he hadn't seen me.
"Jack? Was that you there?" Alex said, the sound of his footsteps nearing me, up the stairs and over to where I sat. He sat down infront of me, crossing his legs, tears flooding out of him.
"Jack, I'm so sorry. I don't need to be sober to know I am," Alex whispered.
"It's alright," I croaked, feeling the prickling of tears. I instantly got up from the floor and rushed back into my bedroom, closing the door behind, most probably giving Alex the idea he wasn't invited. Not yet, not tonight.
---
The door slammed close infront of me, my head spinning from the mix of alcohol and confusion. He didn't want me. It wasn't alright. He didn't love me. I sat up, nearly tripping over my fert as I walked into my bedroom, the sheets still as they were when I left. I didn't bother fixing the bed, but just kicked off my shoes and flopped on the bed.
"Fuuuck," I groaned, it muffled as my face was nearly buried in the matress.
I just wanted this night to go, for the headache to come and for me to be able to try and tell Jack I mean everything. I meant every single thing I said there. It was stupid thst I had thought of throwing Jack out but still, I don't know. Maybe if I didn't I would just ignore him, him left to think I was in a shitty mood again. But I needed to tell the sober man his drunken mistake, it was only fair.
Sleep hardly took over, my eyes flickering open at each moment I nearly conked out. Dark circles were sure to be under my eyes. I didn't see the sun had rose, me still having trouble. Five am. Six am. Alarm went off and it was seven.
Fuck this, fuck that. I wasn't getting up. I would just laze on my bed until sleep took over. The owls and crows cooed and cawed, making it that much harder. Eight. Nine. It was pointless. The sound rustling came from the other room, the door click and the the sound of footsteps. I fell out of bed, clambering to my feet.
As I opened the door, I could hear muffled conversation.
---
I looked at the ceiling them at the pencil jar. I grabbed the little scrunched up note, stuffing it down into my pants pocket.
"Jack, you look like a zombie. Did you sleep at all?" Zack asked me as I came down the stairs, his hood covering his eyes as him and Rian lazed on the couch. Dark circles and pale face , I saw in the mirror, the slight stubble appearing. I just shook my head, grabbing the remote control and flicking on the television, a reality TV show on. I pondered into the kitchen, scanning the fridge for anything well to eat or drink. Some of the things were out of date, Alex usual to do shopping but had seemingly let it slip. The fridge seemed full. Had he been eating even? I don't know. I don't think so.
"J-Jack?" Alex said as he tapped a hand off my shoulder. I spun around to see he was almost identical to my appearance, dark circles, pale face. "Can I please talk to you?"
"I overheard your conversation last night. I don't need you to recite it," I murmured, turning back to the fridge, but he spun me back round.
"Now," he said through gritted teeth. I obeyed, walking through the sitting room and into the hall with Alex on my heels, his eyes sending daggers.
"Jack. I am so sorry. No, I'm too sorry for words. I ignored you so much, scolding at you and making you feel as if you did wrong. But when you kissed S-Stella, that just made me loose it, feel as if I didn't want you around that bit more. But I do want you, I want you to love me too. I have been foolish to make you feel so bad and alone. Just, please forgive me," Alex pleaded, the note in my pocket becoming even more noticable to me.
"Alex, time will heal itself. I can't stay. Every moment is a battle," I said, his jaw clenching, him shaking his head. I took the note out, taking his hand in mine, letting his finger claw around the paper. A light kiss to his forehead was all I could give, walking out the front door the next moment with just the clothes on my back.
I had the night to think, and I felt this was the best option for right now. It might be temporary or it may be permanent. I don't know yet.
"Jack," he murmured just as I left, but made no effort to get me, him unfolding the paper amd probably reading the words.
