Filling The Void | ✔️

Filling The Void | Chapter Thirty - Six | The Days Between

I counted down the days, and I'll tell you a little bit of how they went.

Day One

Denial.

"Hey how you doing?"

I turned my head to find Kaitlyn standing in the doorway, looking at me with the most pitifull face I've ever seen.

"I'm fine." I deadpan, tunrning my attention back to the first snow fall of December.

She sighs and I can tell from the soft carpeted steps that shes coming closer to the bay window.

"I know you're just worried about your dad but-"

"He'll be fine." I say, trying to force back any emotion I have as I take a deep breath.

"Aspen he's dying. You should go see him, talk to him, while you can-"

"I said he'll be fine, alright?!" I shout, facing her with narrowed eyes and a stern face.

If anything I was just more annoyed. Not at Kaitlyn, not at my father...not even at God himself.

I was mad at the cancer. The scientists who seemed like they were taking their sweet ass time to find a cure.

Her face was shocked a little at my outburst, but it soon turned normal agian, "please come talk to me if you need anything, I love you."

I bite my lip and turn back to the window, pausing before whispering, "love you too."

Kaitlyn's my best friend, and if she is going to be there for me I'll acknowledge it, but I'm just not ready yet.

Day Two

Getting better...kinda sorta

It went a little better than the first. I'd been spending a lot of time at the window seat just staring off into oblivion, but out of all days, as I looked out at the fresh sheet of snow a smile came to my face when I remembered what my first snow in California was like.

We had gone up to my Uncles Cabin right on the edge of Washington, and of course my father being the adventurous one decided to take the sled down the 'top notch hill'

"Honey I dont think you should take her...she's little and the big kids go up there." My mother said, as she took a sip of coffee, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Oh please-..."My father said, waving her off before picking me up and spinning me in the air, "She's more mature than any of them! She's got this...right sweetie?"

He sets me down and smiling I hold out my fist and pound them against his, "I got thisssss"

He laughs and when I look at my mom I see the biggest, most perplexed smile on her face...almost like she didnt know wether to be the good or bad cop.

"Mommy you should come!" I chime, skipping over to her and hugging her leg.

She uncrosses it and comes down next to me, "Is that what you want?"

My eyes glimmer with excitment as I nod wildly and she smiles, "Alright then. A family sledding trip it is!"

I sigh as my mind returns back to the thin layer of snow outside my window, my brain not being able to recollect anything further than the adventure being planned.

Snow was rare, and when it did come you enjoyed it, by either making the worst - slushiest snow man, or too close to the cement snow angels.

Day Three

Who needs a shower to think in when you have a bay window?

More Window seat stuff. Just thoughts swimming through my mind.

I've really been considering changing out of the outfit I've worn for the past three days and visiting my dad, but I just cant bring myself to do it.

It was different with my mom. I saw her with that IV in her arm and after the doctors told us they didn't know what was harming her my heart nearley fell apart.

However, I had my dad to catch the pieces before they shattered completely.

As I sat in the waiting room, my eyes looked for my father. Once he came back it would be my turn to see her and I dreaded his return.

What were you supposed to say to your dying mother?

Why would you say goodbye to someone who's still there. It's like saying there's no hope.

"Aspen honey, your mother says she's ready for you."

I swallow and look up at my father who doesn't have a single tear in his eyes, but I know that he's just trying to be strong for me. He's only ever tried to be strong.

I nod and place my feet on the ground, standing up shakily as I make my way into the room.

The door shuts behind me as if its the heaviest metal door and I can't help but compare it to my weighed down heart.

When I look up at her tears brim to the surface as I realize this is the last time I'm going to be able to talk to her.

To hear her say my name...to see her smile.

Her head tilts to the side and her eyes flicker up to meet mine, lighting up slightly.

I smile and sniffle as quietly as I can.

I'm my mothers only child, and there is no way I'm going to make her feel bad for something she cant do anything about.

"Aspen baby, come here." She coos, patting the spot on the bed next to her as she slides over a bit.

I take a wobbily breath and try to swallow back the tears as I slide in next to her, feeling her warmth next to me.

Her hand is soft and warm as she grabs mine in hers, "I want you to know that I'll always be here, even when things get real tough."

I nod and keep my eyes trained on her golden jewlery that sits on her ring finger, a question I'd never asked popping into my head, "How did you know when you loved dad?"

Her fingers tighten around mine as she speaks in a gentle voice.

"Your father would look at me all the time Aspen, with adoration, and amazment...but one day-..." She whispers, rubbing her thumb against my hand, "One day we were sitting on the park bench and he told me how much he loved me, and then almost as if he'd never seen me before he looked down at me and in that moment I saw the love I hadn't seen before."

Tears began to brim the surface as I listened to her, my throat clenching as I tried to keep the sobs back.

"I think I just knew...I knew that he was the man I wanted to look at for the rest of my life."

I sniffle and a tear leaks out.

So much for staying strong.

"Oh, darling." She whispers, wrapping her arms around me, "I'm always here. I'm always, always here."

____________

I'm crying with you.
🖤😢