Filling The Void | ✔️

Filling The Void | Chapter Thrity -Nine | Her Heart Needed To Feel It Too

As I stood in front of room 112 I thought about all the times I had been in this hospital since I found out...and the memories were little next to nothing.

I should have been there for him sooner, but instead I had to take time to myself. It was selfish.

Staring up at the numbers that haunted me everytime i shut my eyes I speak out the question that were more retorical than anything else, "What should I say?"

Ryder knew. He always knew, and in that moment I think I was most thankful for what he did next...because instead of anwersing he layed a hand on my shoulder and kissed my temple, "I love you."

A slow shaky breath comes out of my noes as my gaze trails down to the doorknob.

The last time. This is the last time.

They'd already given him the sedatives and if I didn't hurry I would hate myself for the rest of my life.

I didn't want this to be hurried, I didn't want that at all. I wanted more time.

More time with him.

More time to cook late night pasta and bow tie noodles. More time to hang out with him and my Uncle Carl at his shop.

I just needed more time. I hadn't done enough for him.

Realizing I'd stalled enough I place my hand on the knob and push the door open.

My father was laying down, and for a second my already watery eyes couldn't see his breathing pattern but after I blinked a little I saw a sure sign of his body rising and falling.

I'd seen it many times.

When I'd wake up from a bad dream and walk into his room, choosing to lay down next to him instead of staying in my room all alone.

He'd stay alseep but the scary thoughts wouldn't go away, so eventually I'd drift off, watching as his chest rose up and down.

"Aspen?" Said a gravely voice, and it wasn't until I looked up from where the tears had dropped onto the floor that I realized it was my father.

"Daddy?"

His head cranes up and as he said my name again i could tell it took all the strength inside of him to pull the upper half of him up onto the pillow.

"Dad- I'm so sorry I wasn't here." I say, words coming out in sobs as I make my way to the side of his bed.

He sighs , "No honey, I understand. Losing your mother was..." He pushes out air between his lips, "But losing your dad too, honey I can't imagine."

His hand finds mine almost instictivly.

"Still. I should have been here."

Unlike my mother it was harder to contain myself as I stared into my fathers eyes.

He was always someone I could never not look in the eye, so as I watched him struggle to even speak my heart broke and more tears were born.

"I love you Aspen. You were my favorite."

I furrowed my eyebrows, causing tears to leak out, "I was your only though."

He smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he says, "Exactly."

A small, sob filled laugh comes out of me as I look down at his hand, noticing the silver ring around his finger, again bringing up the memory of my mother.

"When mom was here." I start, sniffling as i continue . "She was wearing her's too. I asked when she knew that she loved you and she said it was when you were at the park bench. When you looked at her with love for the first time."

He smiled once more looking down at the band, "Hm, I always looked at her with love...I think it was her heart, that needed to be ready to see it."

His words brought tears to my eyes as I watched him run his thumb over the ring and he stared down at it.

"Dad?"

He looks over at me, his head slowing down, "Yes kiddo."

"Will you always be here?"

He looks up into my eyes and without turning away he slides the ring off and hands it to me.

"Why would you ever need to ask?"

With tears rolling down my cheeks my chest burning with emotion, I take the ring.
Because my father never took this off, he never stopped wearing it. He ALWAYS kept it with him, and in all their twenty seven years of marriage he hadn't lost it once.

"Dad I dont think-"

"It's my dying wish."

The words coming out of his mouth only made it worse as I took it from his fingers, "Daddy I'm, gonna miss you."

He nods, and before I can look into his eyes any longer I rest my head into the crook of his neck and cry as his hand comes up to pat my hair.

"I know Aspen...I know."

Being in his embrace made it even worse, but all I could do was let myself feel it as I screamed, "It hurts too much!"

His chest began quivering and when I lift my head, I come to see his blue eyes full of tears, "You can't leave me dad. You can't."

A tear slides down his face as he grabs my hand in one swift motion, "I have to."

I shook my head vigourously as I squeezed his hand, "No no no! Don't leave me! Dont!"

Tear after tear ran down his face as he kept his gaze on mine, "I love you Aspy."

And then...as if the light behind his eyes, that had been there my whole life, had gone out...the glimmer dimmed and dimmed until I realized that the squeezing of my hand was coming from me and not him...because he was gone.

A soul lost, into the great oblivion. A great soul...a soul that would never be forgotten...a soul that would always live with me.

My father's.

For it did not leave shattered, and it did not leave broken...and neither did mine, because even without his presence it seemed as if mine...

had been fixed.

________

Alright. So what do you guys think?

I think at some point in life we all lose something that we care about, even if it's just our favorite pencil :)

I hope you guys enjoyed! Leave a comment and make sure to vote
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