Filling The Void | ✔️

Filling The Void |Chapter Twenty - Three | I am

I was up before the sun, like most people, usually when I go to sleep stressed I can't sleep at all. The difference between Kaitlyn and I is that she had reasonable tears that helped knock her out. I didn't.

All I had were thoughts and opinions swarming through my brain. The need to know everyone's thoughts all at once but not wanting to be overwhelmed, clouding my vision.

Finally, I'd decided that four a.m was early enough to get up plus, the ache in the center of my stomach was screaming for me to go eat a bowl of lucky charms. So I did.

Scooping out the second to last spoonful of cereal I sigh and in attempt to cheer myself up I pour out some dry oats and pick out the marshmallows, eventually filling up a medium sized shot glass.

Just as I'm about to pour some in my mouth a voice sounds out into the dim lit kitchen.

"Those make you throw up remember?"

When the person I know too well opens the fridge to reveal his face I furrow my brows. He wasn't wearing pajamas, in fact, he looked like he did when he came home from school- his sweatshirt tugged over his mop of hair.

"They do not," I argue silently, picking one out at a time instead of taking it in handfuls.

Ryder chuckles a little and I grow concerned.

"You always say that and then you end up crying to me to help you because Kaitlyn's asleep."

I glare at him, "Whatever, I won't throw up this time."

He raises a hand in defense, the orange juice jug pressed to his lips as he drinks straight from it. When he lowers it he wipes his mouth on his sleeve before saying, "I'm not holding your hair back this time."

In annoyance, I dump the charms back into the box and go for an orange instead. As I'm peeling I feel Ryder's eyes on me and I look up.

He keeps looking at me and then swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing twice before he averts his eyes.

My thoughts are all jumbled and this early in the morning I don't have the filter to stop myself before I say, "I'm sorry about Natalee."

His posture falls slightly before he looks over at me, "Are you really Aspen?"

My head shifts back in shock and I blink several times before saying, "Yes Ryder, of course, I'm sorry."

After another sip of juice, he says, "I'm not." and screws the cap back on.

"That's messed up Ry."

"Why?" He asks, his voice sounding eerily calm, "Why should I feel bad? Life's too short to focus on something you don't want anymore."

Before he leaves he puts away the juice and turns to me.

"I've been doing it for what feels like my whole life, pushing away the one thing I actually want."

His eyes are a heavy brown and I find them heart stopping as he mutters, "I've done my part, now she needs to take the hint."

He spins on his heel, his head disappearing around the corner and even when he's gone I still find there's no air in the room.

I lean against the counter, staring at the cereal box, the happy leprechaun taunting me with its hope.

I need to take a hint, that's what he'd meant. It had to be.

I'm the one thing he's been pushing away and now that I'm looking back on it...it makes total sense.

My brain gets wrapped up in memories of Ryder and I, his need to always protect me and be around me. That had all gone away when I started dating Bash.