Skinny Love

February, 1972

I feel like I haven't written in forever, even though it's only been a week! Wish me luck on my last final, because it's math and Lord knows I'll probably have to retake the class...

February 14, 1972

John
We were twelve weeks away from meeting our little girl, and I honestly couldn't have been more excited to have her. Well, I was excited for the surgery, because I assumed they'd be able to make my body look more... normal.

Roger decided that he wanted to set up a baby shower for us, even though we didn't have very many friends outside of our small circle. He was having fun with it, so I was fine, but Freddie seemed more agitated as of late, and I didn't really know what to do- he expressed anger whenever Roger was touching my stomach, or talking to baby Lemon, so I felt he was a tad jealous.

"So why can you get pregnant, exactly? We've never talked about this?" Brian asked while he made us each cups of decaffeinated tea.

I felt kind of strange whenever I hung out with Brian, because he had so many scientific questions that I didn't know the answer to. Well, I knew the answer to that question, but half the time I had no idea what he was saying.

"I'm intersex." I murmured after a couple seconds- it wasn't something that I openly talked about, because it was so unheard of. "I was born with feminine reproductive anatomy, but my parents decided to call me a male on my birth certificate because my penis was more prominent than my... vagina, I suppose." I explained, quietly, then the older man sat down and he frowned in confusion.

"You... you had a vagina?" He asked and I shrugged, unsure of what to actually call it.

"Kind of. I didn't actually know about it until I was twelve, but there was kind of an opening on my penis when I was born, so they closed that off and started pumping me with male hormones- I just grew up thinking I was a boy, then I met Freddie and he showed me his so I had questions because mine looked a little different." It wasn't that noticeable of a difference, but I knew there was something else there at one time- it didn't bother me much.

I had heard of intersex men and women being forced to be either gender when they were infants, and they were coming out with wanting to be the other gender. I was so proud of the others like me standing up for what was wrongfully taken, their gender identity, but I was okay with being a man that could have babies- it made me different.

"I don't really want to talk about it, Brian. Sorry, but it's just one of those things that you don't bring up at the dinner table." I whispered, patting on the wooden table before the older man nodded with understanding. "But Lennon could come out intersex, too, and I don't know what to do in that situation- I want her to choose her own gender identity, but I don't know what I'd do with her until she was able to pick properly." I explained, sighing as I rested my forehead on the table- I needed to know what to do, but I didn't know what to do.

Brian patted the crown of my head and I smiled against the table for a second or two. My hand fell down to my stomach, and I took a deep breath before sitting back up properly. It was a one in fifteen hundred chance that Lennie would come out with both a penis and vagina, and I didn't want to pick for her- my parents picked for me, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it at all. It felt kind of... violating, and I didn't want to make Lennon feel the way I did for so long. I wanted her to feel comfortable in whatever body she wanted, but I also hoped that she'd come out as a girl so we didn't have to pick one or the other.

"I'm going to puke." I whispered, then I ran off to the bathroom and Brian followed me, holding my hair back- Freddie and I had talked about cutting our hair when Lennie came along.