Skinny Love

September, 1972

I feel like they're all kind of short now, but there's more going on so there should be more to write about soon!

September 5, 1972

John
Freddie was getting better with me, and the fighting was slowly stopping and he was starting to touch me again- hugging and kissing, nothing sexual yet. Lennie was two days shy of being five months old and she was becoming more expressive. I liked making faces at her, because she usually made them back at us- I thought it was funny, and she'd laugh with me.

Roger was giving us more independence with her, too. We were allowed to get her overnight at that point, which was a major stepping stone considering that he was still her legal guardian for another week. I promised him that it would never happen again, and that I'd take good care of our next baby- I wanted the next one already, so they'd be close in age, but Freddie kept saying no. He wanted to finish the first album and do a little tour before we were pinned down with another kid.

Speaking of kids, Lennon woke up that morning with a loud cry from her cot in the corner of the room- she hated the bloody thing, but Freddie was worried about us squishing her while we slept. I was slow to get out of bed, my muscles still waking up, but I took her out and I held her to my chest. She was getting heavy, just over fourteen pounds, so I balanced her on my hip and I held her up so she could look around the room a bit- she was getting better at sitting, so she could sit on our hips, as long as we held her neck.

"Papa, it's morning time." I whispered, crawling back into bed with the squeaking baby. "And Lennie might be hungry, so I think it's best for you to make her a bottle." I had to swallow the sour taste in my mouth, but Freddie stretched and yawned before leaning over to kiss me.

"Morning, Lennie." He whispered and she made her lips into a tight circle, like she was trying to kiss him- she was jealous, I had learned. Whenever Freddie leaned in to kiss me, she always made a face that looked like she wanted a kiss, too. "Morning kisses, thank you." He smiled, then he kissed her little lips before she relaxed against me. "I'll be right back." He smiled, then he walked out of the room and Lennie squirmed against me.

"What's the matter, Lemon? Papa said he'd be right back with your bottle, then we'll be able to get ready for the day." We were recording that meaning and I was excited to get back into it. "Are you going to come with us to the studio? I think Papa wants you to come with us." We didn't like to leave her alone, neither did Roger, so we brought her absolutely everywhere. 

Freddie came back into the room with her bottle, and I passed her to him. I was still having trouble feeding her, because it brought things back and I wasn't ready to trust myself. I liked to watch anyways- I'd get comfortable against Freddie's arm and I watched as he fed her. I'd do that to Roger or Brian, too, because she was so fascinating.

"Why don't you just feed her?" Freddie chuckled, pressing the bottle against her lips, and I shook my head while I watched, biting my bottom lip. "How come? We're supposed to talk about it, the doctor said so." He glanced over at me and I just kissed his shoulder. "Come on, don't bottle it up."

I sighed, softly, against his arm, then I sat up properly. "I-I don't want to hurt her. I'm worried that I'll feel it again, because I don't want to hurt her right now, but whenever I used to feed her, something in my mind would tell me not to. I... I'm not sure why, but I just thought it would be best to keep her tiny." I whispered, a lump forming in my throat while I stroked his arm. "But I love her, really. I... she's my daughter, and I know that I love her." I finished and he nodded before leaning over and kissing my head.

"And she loves you." Freddie smiled, then she finished off her bottle and he sat her up to burp her. "Want to go and get her dressed? Or should we ask Roger for help?"