Skinny Love

May, 1979

May 2, 1979

Roger
We had to pack up and leave the kids again right after Lennon's birthday. Peter and Joe said they'd take them back to Garden Lodge, to make Remy and Lennon feel at home again- plus, Freddie and John would be in Japan so there was no way for them to get to the kids. Joe said that John had slowed down with the drugs, but he was still heavily drinking and avoiding meals- I wanted to smack him upside the head, because we had to consider getting child services involved again. I didn't want the kids going through the system, but we had another one on the way and I didn't exactly sign up to parent four kids when I got knocked up.

While we got ready for that night's concert, I couldn't help but glare at Freddie and John every so often. Freddie appeared to be a little more out of it, because I assumed he had been snorting one thing or another earlier, but John looked kind of upset while he stared at himself in the mirror.

"I'm eleven weeks tomorrow and I need some advice." I grunted while I sat next to him- he jumped, then he held his chest before turning to face me. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." I smiled a bit and he just nodded- he was so shy again, it was like we were back in school. "Are you alright? You look kind of upset." I held his hand and he gave me a small smile.

"Uh, yeah, we're fine." He nodded, looking over at Freddie, but looking away when Freddie looked over at him. "No... no, we're not fine. We-we haven't stopped fighting since we got here." He admitted, softly, and I placed a gentle hand on his back. "I can't stop, Roger. I can't fucking stop, and I want to stop- I want to be there for my kids, and for my husband, but it's hard. It's so, so hard." He whispered, sounding like he was about to cry. "I hate this, but it's the only way I can feel good about myself."

"Why? Why is this the only way you feel good about yourself?" He was making me want to cry- fucking pregnancy. "You only feel good when you're drinking or strung out on drugs?" I asked and he nodded while biting his bottom lip.

"I don't feel when I'm like this." He admitted, softly, and I nodded with a small sigh before getting up and digging through my bag, looking for a photo we had taken of the kids before we left- I always took a picture before I left, so I could recognize how they grew when I came back. "What's that?" He asked, wiping his eyes with his whole hand- like Lennon did whenever she cried.

"I took a picture of the kids before we left- because I knew I was going to miss Hudsie while we're here." I shrugged, sitting back in my chair while I showed him the little Polaroid of the three kids. "But Lennon and Remy said they wanted to be in it." I chuckled,softly, handing him the photo. "You can keep it- I have eight more in my bag." He laughed a bit when he looked over at me, then he took a deep breath while he gently rubbed over Lennon and Remy's faces with his pinkie. "They're strong kids, John." I murmured and he nodded with a small smile.

"I don't know who they get it from- they just learned that on their own." He whispered, wetly.

"No, John, that isn't something you just learn on your own- they saw your strength, and everything you've been through, and they took that. They learned that from watching you grow with yourself, and grow with Freddie, but right now they don't know who to look to- they need their parents back." I held his hand and he wiped his eyes with a nod. "But take as long as you need, to get yourself well, and to get Freddie well- Brian and I are happy keeping them for a while, but once the baby comes you might need a kick in the arse because I didn't sign up for this four kids thing." I joked, tears coming to my eyes, and he nodded with a little laugh.

"Sorry about that." He cleared his throat and I nodded, to say that it really wasn't a big deal. "I... do you mind if I stay with you tonight, and Brian can stay with Freddie? It'll be like old times, when we used to sleep in the same hotel room when Brian made you angry during Hudson's pregnancy." He chuckled a bit while he used his forefinger and thumb to fiddle with the photo of the kids.